But, as far as being fickle, emotional, and confusing, well I'm all of those! (And forget about the shop-a-holic part!). Allow me to, elaborate (I am so happy I can remember that word now! :D):
Matthew, I don't want to kiss within 2 or 3 dates I've been there and it didn't go well, I won't do it.
Matthew, we shouldn't talk to much it's bad.
Matthew, don't talk about moving in together it's been 2 months and we've known each other for 3.
Matthew, this thing you do annoys me please stop.
Those are all blunt things and I said them and handled them a little better than that, but you get the idea. I turned around and did all of those things. There are a few things that annoy me so much! But yet I do them. I think it's me seeing what I hate about myself. Not that those are bad things! Giggling all the time, saying 'awwou' every time I say that something in life isn't exactly the way I'd want it to be and explaining that I don't have to apologize casually 15 times a day even though it's a completely normal thing that every human on the planet does I don't know why when I do it it's such a bad thing! OK, I don't do that but the rest I do and I shouldn't ask him not to since he's not the problem I am. He's such an amazing guy, I don't have the right to be as annoyed as I am a lot with him. Because like I said, it's not him. It's me. If I don't like how much of a pervert I am or whatever (even though it's totally FUN to be a perv! (as long as there are no victims ^_^;;)). Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to get at is most every time you point your finger you have 3 pointing back. And if I want to fix the problem I shouldn't tell Matthew to do anything or stop, I should do something. Because that's where the actual problem lays. Oh man, I'm making it sound like he has a bunch of bad qualities... um, not at all what I'm driving at this was suppose to demonize me and... angalize(?) him. Well, he should be... angalized OK I need a word that means to glorify! ..Oh... that works! :D He SHOULD be glorified because honestly, he's an all around better person. He's in college, he's well, 10 times smarter! Harder working, and actually has a TALENT. I wish I had a talent... I'm pretty good at shopping! :D Oh wait, that's bad. Um... I'm addicted to coffee! Wait what? Ok, never mind. It's almost 2 am I am so MAD at myself! And I just realised that A.M. and am are the same freaking letters! For a few reasons I know he's got more self control than I do. He's more rational, and everything. I don't deserve him, and he didn't do anything bad enough to deserve me. Oh, I just realised that low self esteem is a really unattractive quality... *throws arms up* I give up!
This is another thing I really like having this blog... it gets me to the root of the problem. It let's me know how I actually feel. I thought this was going to be about how I'm just another fickle female but it's turned out to be about some deep rooted self loathing. It's just, every time I think something good about myself it turns out to be false! EVERY FUCKING TIME. I thought I was good at accents, turns out I'm not. I thought I was getting more self esteem, turns out I was just gaining pride (no those are NOT the same thing), I thought I was a pretty fast runner at one point turns out I was the slowest kid at church, I thought I had a really great body, like, really great but then I saw that one of my sides is almost flat and my boobs are pretty small for my age and turns out also being toned is pretty much a must with a really really great body, I think I can do it, or I think I will do it, weather I'm being accountable to myself or others, I let them down. Or I'll let myself down. I thought I was reliable but in actuality my word means NOTHING. Squat, zip, zilch. If I make a promise, don't cross your fingers. I thought I was normal height turns out I'm actually pretty short. I thought I was good at drawing at one point then I started noticing that hay, the only thing anyone can ever say about my drawings is "eh, better than I can do." Really? That's suppose to be a compliment? You think anyone who goes to the Sistine Chapel looks up and says eh better than I can do? I'm not saying I'd ever hope to be as good as that! But... I'd like to be a little better than just they can do. And no, practising for a long long time won't solve the problem because I'll be freaking 30 by the time I'm better than just they can do and who the hell gives a crap if an adult can draw? So what? They've had years and years to practice it's really nothing that great compared to a teenager who can draw really really well better than just they can do in fact! I didn't really enjoy drawing. It wasn't for me, it was for others. It was the impress others. It was also to impress myself, but if I could do anything in the world as long as I didn't tell anybody, I'm not sure I would pick drawing as one of them. Nope, it's for other people. Although this is a bit of a relief realising that since every time I tried to draw I would get so MAD at myself if it didn't turn out just right. Which at my horrible non-existent skill level they never, ever did. I've stopped drawing, I know I've said this a million times only to start again at some point I am fucking serious. It's not for me, it's for other people. I would love it if I could do that, but if it's only a show to put on for the masses, why the hell bother? I'm worse now than I was at 14 I may have had potential at one point but it's gone now, and it's not coming back. That pisses me the hell off but I'm to lazy and uncaring to do anything about it. Oh, here's the latest one, I don't know if I've said this already but what I thought was gaining more self esteem turned out to be pride. So I thought "Hey! I'm not such a self hating bitch like I used to be!" Now it turns out I'm a PRIDEFUL self hating bitch. Oh yeah, here's one I know I haven't said. I thought I was a good friend. I thought even with all the horrible horror that is me, at least I'm a good friend! Did you all read my Tayler entries? Case rested. Most of that is my fucking pride taking over because I didn't want to take responsibility for the fact that I'm stupid because I have pride overflowing from my soul, if I even have one left. Think about it, I'm perfectly fine with killing baby bunnies! They freaking eat our garden why should I care if they die? Fuck baby bunnies. I'll feed their little asses to my cats. I'm probably just pointing my hideous finger at bunnies now while there are 3 pointing back at me, and it really has nothing to do with bunnies and all the I get the fun of all the wonderful flaws, as always. Girls who have low self esteem can never keep a man long, I'm sure if I don't get this self hatred taken care of Matt'll probably leave me for it at some point, even if he doesn't think he will now. All the confidence I thought I was gaining, turned out to be pride. So now I'm totally scared of everything I was scared of before, because I don't have the pride to pretend it doesn't bother me any more. I was getting to be more social, but it's probably best if I just leave people alone less they get hurt. Because if you're friends with me you WILL be hurt at some point. Tayler had to learn that the hard way. That's one reason I'd rather just not have contact with her any more. It's not that I dislike her it's that I know she'll get hurt again. And my #1 priority with her has been no pain for as long as I've known her, and if the threat is coming from me this time well, I'll get rid of it. Like I did any other threat I saw that I could do something about. I kept saying she hurt me, but it's probably just that she hurt my newly found buckets of pride.
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