I am not helping the 'typical women' stereo type...

So, we've always joked that I'm bad at being a stereo type. Not that great at cooking and lazy with cleaning. Oh and bad at laundry, that too lolz. (I'm also not very good with kids =P). I also really like weapons like awesome swords and also trucks with big ass wheels are just the best. I've always wanted to go to a monster truck show that would be sweet. I also like my porn all kinky like with  the same gender and especially with a virgin...

But, as far as being fickle, emotional, and confusing, well I'm all of those! (And forget about the shop-a-holic part!). Allow me to, elaborate (I am so happy I can remember that word now! :D):

Matthew, I don't want to kiss within 2 or 3 dates I've been there and it didn't go well, I won't do it.

Matthew, we shouldn't talk to much it's bad.

Matthew, don't talk about moving in together it's been 2 months and we've known each other for 3.

Matthew, this thing you do annoys me please stop.

Those are all blunt things and I said them and handled them a little better than that, but you get the idea. I turned around and did all of those things. There are a few things that annoy me so much! But yet I do them. I think it's me seeing what I hate about myself. Not that those are bad things! Giggling all the time, saying 'awwou' every time I say that something in life isn't exactly the way I'd want it to be and explaining that I don't have to apologize casually 15 times a day even though it's a completely normal thing that every human on the planet does I don't know why when I do it it's such a bad thing! OK, I don't do that but the rest I do and I shouldn't ask him not to since he's not the problem I am. He's such an amazing guy, I don't have the right to be as annoyed as I am a lot with him. Because like I said, it's not him. It's me. If I don't like how much of a pervert I am or whatever (even though it's totally FUN to be a perv! (as long as there are no victims ^_^;;)). Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to get at is most every time you point your finger you have 3 pointing back. And if I want to fix the problem I shouldn't tell Matthew to do anything or stop, I should do something. Because that's where the actual problem lays. Oh man, I'm making it sound like he has a bunch of bad qualities... um, not at all what I'm driving at this was suppose to demonize me and... angalize(?) him. Well, he should be... angalized OK I need a word that means to glorify! ..Oh... that works! :D He SHOULD be glorified because honestly, he's an all around better person. He's in college, he's well, 10 times smarter! Harder working, and actually has a TALENT. I wish I had a talent... I'm pretty good at shopping! :D Oh wait, that's bad. Um... I'm addicted to coffee! Wait what? Ok, never mind. It's almost 2 am I am so MAD at myself! And I just realised that A.M. and am are the same freaking letters! For a few reasons I know he's got more self control than I do. He's more rational, and everything. I don't deserve him, and he didn't do anything bad enough to deserve me. Oh, I just realised that low self esteem is a really unattractive quality... *throws arms up* I give up!

This is another thing I really like having this blog... it gets me to the root of the problem. It let's me know how I actually feel. I thought this was going to be about how I'm just another fickle female but it's turned out to be about some deep rooted self loathing. It's just, every time I think something good about myself it turns out to be false! EVERY FUCKING TIME. I thought I was good at accents, turns out I'm not. I thought I was getting more self esteem, turns out I was just gaining pride (no those are NOT the same thing), I thought I was a pretty fast runner at one point turns out I was the slowest kid at church, I thought I had a really great body, like, really great but then I saw that one of my sides is almost flat and my boobs are pretty small for my age and turns out also being toned is pretty much a must with a really really great body, I think I can do it, or I think I will do it, weather I'm being accountable to myself or others, I let them down. Or I'll let myself down. I thought I was reliable but in actuality my word means NOTHING. Squat, zip, zilch. If I make a promise, don't cross your fingers. I thought I was normal height turns out I'm actually pretty short. I thought I was good at drawing at one point then I started noticing that hay, the only thing anyone can ever say about my drawings is "eh, better than I can do." Really? That's suppose to be a compliment? You think anyone who goes to the Sistine Chapel looks up and says eh better than I can do? I'm not saying I'd ever hope to be as good as that! But... I'd like to be a little better than just they can do. And no, practising for a long long time won't solve the problem because I'll be freaking 30 by the time I'm better than just they can do and who the hell gives a crap if an adult can draw? So what? They've had years and years to practice it's really nothing that great compared to a teenager who can draw really really well better than just they can do in fact! I didn't really enjoy drawing. It wasn't for me, it was for others. It was the impress others. It was also to impress myself, but if I could do anything in the world as long as I didn't tell anybody, I'm not sure I would pick drawing as one of them. Nope, it's for other people. Although this is a bit of a relief realising that since every time I tried to draw I would get so MAD at myself if it didn't turn out just right. Which at my horrible non-existent skill level they never, ever did. I've stopped drawing, I know I've said this a million times only to start again at some point I am fucking serious. It's not for me, it's for other people. I would love it if I could do that, but if it's only a show to put on for the masses, why the hell bother? I'm worse now than I was at 14 I may have had potential at one point but it's gone now, and it's not coming back. That pisses me the hell off but I'm to lazy and uncaring to do anything about it. Oh, here's the latest one, I don't know if I've said this already but what I thought was gaining more self esteem turned out to be pride. So I thought "Hey! I'm not such a self hating bitch like I used to be!" Now it turns out I'm a PRIDEFUL  self hating bitch. Oh yeah, here's one I know I haven't said. I thought I was a good friend. I thought even with all the horrible horror that is me, at least I'm a good friend! Did you all read my Tayler entries? Case rested. Most of that is my fucking pride taking over because I didn't want to take responsibility for the fact that I'm stupid because I have pride overflowing from my soul, if I even have one left. Think about it, I'm perfectly fine with killing baby bunnies! They freaking eat our garden why should I care if they die? Fuck baby bunnies. I'll feed their little asses to my cats. I'm probably just pointing my hideous finger at bunnies now while there are 3 pointing back at me, and it really has nothing to do with bunnies and all the I get the fun of all the wonderful flaws, as always. Girls who have low self esteem can never keep a man long, I'm sure if I don't get this self hatred taken care of Matt'll probably leave me for it at some point, even if he doesn't think he will now. All the confidence I thought I was gaining, turned out to be pride. So now I'm totally scared of everything I was scared of before, because I don't have the pride to pretend it doesn't bother me any more. I was getting to be more social, but it's probably best if I just leave people alone less they get hurt. Because if you're friends with me you WILL be hurt at some point. Tayler had to learn that the hard way. That's one reason I'd rather just not have contact with her any more. It's not that I dislike her it's that I know she'll get hurt again. And my #1 priority with her has been no pain for as long as I've known her, and if the threat is coming from me this time well, I'll get rid of it. Like I did any other threat I saw that I could do something about. I kept saying she hurt me, but it's probably just that she hurt my newly found buckets of pride.

I love this blog, it's totally me!

I know I JUST made a blog post but as you know by now I love getting my emotions out in words and something just struck me as I looked through my short time on here. Everything is totally me. The good, the bad, the ugly and even the uglier than that. All the typos, forgotten words, probably bad grammar, all of it. My thoughts and feelings in their full, unedited glory. I would go back and fix mistakes, but I want to see how much better I get as time goes by. I looked up an old account on Help that I forgot ever existed and man, it was AWFUL. Text typing and uh! Back then I didn't give a crap I probably thought it was cool, but now it makes me cringe! I see spelling and grammar as an art form now and although I'm no Michaelangelo, but I do my best to make each post a master piece of perfection (which they are far from, lolz). But yeah my other blog on Tumblr, that was mostly for the readers. And I had some. But it was very unsatisfying and I found myself bored and 'pent up' by it. With this, I am totally free to talk about ANYTHING. I don't care if I ever get readers (though that would be cool) just knowing that my thoughts and feelings are out there in cyber space for anybody in the world to read instead of kept secret in a locked up book or heart, just lifts so much weight off my shoulders. I've talked about before how doing the typical childish things to get out your emotions (crying, screaming) just doesn't do it for me. I don't have the ability or patience for drawing and painting (though I wish with all my heart that I did) so I can't get my feelings out that way. But, I talked about how important writing is to me before. This post is more about the blog itself and me. I'm not going to lie it's one of my pitfalls and I think it's everyone's pitfall, I love talking about me! Especially when I'm bored. So, here goes. ~self indulgence time~

Oh yeah, this pitfall will be useful in the future when I go back and look at how I've changed. Here are some pictures and things. It's stuff that makes me angry, sad, happy, horny all of it! I mean, not EVERYTHING that would be to many pictures, just, one thing from each category. ^_^

Happy! =)

Kitties! (Big or small, hair or bald, I love kitties of all kinds!)

Sad :(

If people would only each try to reach their full potential, and practice what just about every religion and philosophy has said, then the world would improve 10 fold! But they don't. They live their mediocre lives barely able to see beyond their own nose. 

Horny! :D

Pissed! )=(

(to clarify, I agree with this sticker)

I know there must be more emotions, but I can't really think of any! Maybe emotions are like colors, you have your primary and the ones you get when you mix the primary.

My future cat is in the living room.

So by now it's pretty obvious I want lots of my own pets someday. Well, what better time to start then now! I would like you all to meet Lacy. My new little black and white short hair female 8 month old kitten.

Right now I literally have about $0.00 to my name. This happened because for some reason it takes over a week for some transactions to pend, so I thought I had more money than I did. Actually, I think I'll go check on that now...

Phew! All that's left to pend is a couple Subway things, not a big deal! So I actually have a little over $100. Thing is, I looked at how much I've spent since January of this year and it's over $700! Even though some of it was necessary (certain over the counter meds, lunch, Lacy...) most of it was probably not... being a 19 year old girl one of my weaknesses is cloths! Especially at great prices. Goodwill and other thrift stores make it hard. Oh yeah, I forgot about Wasabi, an anime convention I went to so that's probably part of it. But still... I could do for some saving up (and a little more self control >_>). 

But anyway! This is about my little darling. Lacy is very sweet, loves people, playful, doesn't mind callers or harnesses, seems pretty trainable, is very soft and will cuddle with you all day! (If she can find the time).

She's just an all around great cat! Peppy and Peanut aren't to happy about it, but they'll get used to her! She's going to be with me for the next 15 years and hopefully more! I'll probably be past my first apartment and into my first home by then hopefully, and I'll have my little black and white kitty baby with me the whole time! 

My other future pets include: 

A white Standard Poodle

If I ever have a dog, it has to be hypoallergenic or else my wind pipe will close up every day! ^_^ Well, Poodles just so happen to be hypoallergenic and  I think they're adorable! (If you don't clip them all ugly). However, Matthew thinks they're ugly (weirdo) and so he says he'll settle for a Labradoodle. But, they're just not as cute as Poodles. We do agree though, that we want a female dog because seeing a penis hanging down just takes away from their beauty, lolz. 

A Ball Python

I LOVE snakes. And I found out that besides running up the bills with their heat lamps, they're pretty inexpensive to have. The adults only eat like once a month. I've always been crazy about reptiles. I even want to be a Paleontologist! Not that that's ever going to happen. But still, I can have modern day reptiles! And these Pythons don't even get very big, only about 5 feet :) 

Guinea Pigs

These aren't something I care about really having. Actually, they'll be more Matthew's pets than mine. I won't be feeding or cleaning the cage like I will be with my snakie. And I won't be happy if they smell up the studio apartment we're hoping to have within a year or close to that time frame. These are not something I would ever want for myself. But they sure are cute little things!!

Then there are animals I would like to have just so I don't have to support the horrors of the meat industry.

Mini cows

All the deliciousness without the size!

Chickens

Sorry guys, no escaping the pot pies with me!

Piggies

Although I would like to have every animal in this picture, I'll take the piggies for the beacon and the reasonableness, lolz.

I think living on a small private farm would be cool, but I HATED feeding the horses in the winter, and with the children I assume I'll have by then I'm afraid I won't have a moment to myself. Husband would have to work a lot to support all of us, though we could sell meat and vegetables. Yeah, we can live near a farmers market and I'll grow and sell stuff the other farmers don't have! 

This is the type of life I figured I'd hate having, and maybe I would. Maybe I'm more into the idea of having a small farm than actually having one, but you never know. I figured I would HATE having a job especially an entry level one at Walmart of all places, but I really like it. It's not that I look forward to standing there for hours and hours or pushing carts in the rain, but I don't know... I'm just happier now than I was before. I know happiness isn't entirely about circumstances, but I think it's something more than that...

So, if I put husband in charge of a lot of the house chores, I won't mind doing most of the outside chores.

Well, this is mostly the horrors of the meat industry I don't like making me want to do this... so if I lived near a farmers market, where people sold the meat from their own cows, that would take care of everything! My desire for all of these animals just went down now that I know I can get non meat industry stuff without doing the grunt work myself. Though I might still want the chickens just because they're so much fun to try and catch!! lolz. 

Another possible life is one as a Paleontologist. More to come soon...

I hate my hair, I can't do anything with it.

$55 for a perm and 4 days later it's already going back to normal! I was told that in about 2 weeks the curls would loosen up but it's already just waves. Sigh... at least I know now. My hair is thin, fine, and super straight. I have a huge cowlick right in at the beginning on the part on my giant forehead, so I can't have bangs to cover up that giant forehead. And also limits what I can do with it. Most all hair things are either to big or to small, I don't have enough to pull off short hair as it will just lay flat against my head and look worse than when it's long. I can't blow dry to give it some volume with MAJOR frizz. I have some stuff to help that now and I haven't tried it yet, but something tells me it won't help much. No bangs, no curls, no volume.. talk about boring ugly hair. I suppose I could put it in a million braids every night and spray it like hair spray is going out of style, but that would take my entire evening, and now that I have a job evenings and days off are all I have to look forward to any more. I know that's bad and you're suppose to take pride in the work you do or something, but it's a part time job at Walmart there's barely any pride in being a manager there. It's Walmart, it's not a great wonderful thing that makes life easier it's a big monstrous super store that closes down small businesses and gives jobs that no one can be proud of. Then again, working at any large chain of  grocery store no matter how high your position is not something I would be proud of. But Walmart? Somehow that's the worst one. Anyway, my hair doesn't do what I tell it and is determined to look flat and horrible so I guess I'll just have to look flat and horrible. I'M WEARING A FUCKING PUSH UP BRA RIGHT NOW. I didn't get beauty, bronzes or brains so what's left? Doesn't everybody have at least one of those things? Apparently not.

How I feel about dogs, the surprise within my heart.

Cats rule and dogs drool, that's just the way it is. No, seriously. Cat's tend to rule the house hold and dogs drool a lot! But for me it's just as true with the figurative term. I've always been a cat person. I grew up with cats, I know cats, I can understand and speak with cats and they for the most part can understand and speak to me (I wish I were a neko!). I know generally what they like, how they act, everything. Cats are second nature. So you can see how their exact opposite would turn me off a bit. Especially being *potentially* deathly allergic.

Dogs have the upper hand on brains, which can be useful if you need an animal slave. But seriously, they jump on you with their claws, drool, lick you after eating their own crap, they can knock people down, kill people, cause serious injuries, are very time consuming, can be destructive, and 10 times more work than most pets (seriously my 2 horses are easier to take care of than a dog) and did I mention how expensive they are? If you don't want your dog to be all those things, you pretty much have to pay for professional classes unless you really know what you're doing and have a lot of patience. Their complete and utter dependency turns me off.

While cats may claw and bite (usually they do it because you're causing them discomfort or it was an accident), they are SO much easier than dogs. Less expensive, just as loving, they can be just as social (depends on how you raise them), way cuter especially as kittens, they're not all in your face all the time and don't have a panic attack every time they're left alone and you won't come home to the living room covered in feathers. They're also way more fun to play with. Dogs, you stand there and throw a slimy toy over, and over, and over, and over, and over. It's like playing with a little baby! So repetitive.. snoooz fest. But with cats, oh man! I laugh so hard every time I play with them. You just take a string or a bouncy ball and they do all kinds of hilarious things and it's so fun to watch them try to catch it! Then they ATTACK. Oh it's so much fun.

Cat's aren't as intelligent as dogs. So? Why is that a negative thing? I mean, assuming we don't need an animal slave and it's just a pet, that can be a good thing. Because it's SO FUNNY XD. They do the most random things. A lot of cats when they're young go through a phase where they run head first into walls. I know that sounds horrible but you can't help but laugh since they somehow escape serious injury. So, there is a window in my basement that is right on top of the ground. The cats love it. Well, there is a shelf under it that goes across that whole wall that the cats can't jump on form the floor. We had an exercise bike a few feet away from the window next tot he shelf. Well, my other 2 cats would jump on the bike, then the shelf and walk over to the window. But my Peanut did not know that there was any other way to get to the window then to go DIRECTLY to it. The bike was indirect. So even though the other cats were doing it, I would put him on the bike, he'd look at the window jump down, and go back under it on the floor and ask me to pick him up. I placed him on the bike again and patted the shelf signalling for him to jump on it. I wish you could all have seen the look on his face! He was thinking, SO HARD about what I was trying to tell him!!!! XD He finally figured it out and knew how to do it from then on. But man, it was adorable and hilarious. Most cats aren't like that but Peanut for some reason is a little bit um... not on the bright side XD. He's adorable.

So to me smarts isn't really much of an argument. Dogs can protect you but so can a lion. Those are cats. And if you're going to love an animal, why only pay attention to one branch? Tigers, panthers, cheetahs, leopards, they're all counted along with wolves. Yep, the only cool wild dog creature. You have fox, and... yeah, cats = win.

But, I don't dislike dogs, just ones that aren't well trained, and typically people don't bother to train their dogs beyond going outside and sitting. Do you see that most dogs being walked are leash trained? Practically dragging their owners while chocking themselves. Going every which way, barking and trying to get to other dogs, jumping on passer bys. That doesn't say 'trained' to me.

Anyway, I am in no way a dog hater and for the first time having doesn't seem like such a night mare. They have hypoallergenic ones, and these are my favorites out of the list:

Native American Indian Dog
The Standard Poodle
Portuguese Water Dog
Samoyed (first choice)

Now, I liked a few others besides these but I want a dog that will be in no way a danger to cats which is my first priority pet. I also know I don't want a terrior. I want something I can hug and will at least act as a visual deterrent to criminals. I want to train the living guts out of it, stick a vest on and say I have a service dog. No one will ever know the difference. And I won't be lying, I won't ever have to go anywhere alone again. No more crying, panicking, or anxiety. That was one of the fears I had about moving out. What if I had no one to live with? I certainly wouldn't want to be alone, at least not right away (don't say it's my age my 40 year old cousin is the same way). With a big dog, I wouldn't be. The only problem is...  like I said before, they can be expensive! So, I suppose I should choose a breed, research the crap out of it and see get a monthly price estimation. If I'm going to take care of a dog, I'm going to do it right. No skipping out on vet visits.

This honestly took me by surprise. I never would have guessed I would even think about ever wanting a dog. Seriously, I didn't even imagine myself ever wanting one in my head. But having someone who goes everywhere with you or could possibly stay at home (hopefully)... that would be great. Maybe I'm more liking the idea of a dog then anything. I DID live with 2 dogs for a week when I baby sat a neighbors house. I didn't mind it, though I wasn't very dog ownerly to them. Not playing with them much and leaving them alone a lot. But that's the other thing that I find attractive about all of this... and I think it's something a lot of people do. They can get you off the couch.  If they're perfectly calm and such like Tommy and Sadie (I love them, but I'm highly allergic! They're border collie mixes) then it can be very tempting to just neglect their doggy needs. However, I think a puppy will not allow me to do such a thing. Also I don't want to continue to be what I am. Like Lt. Commander Data, I want to strive to be more than I am. 

So, it might be a few years away especially since I probably can't get one until I can manage house and kitty cat expenses, but it's fun to dream. I wish I could foster one for a while just to see if this is really something I'd be willing to commit to for 15 years or more. I know I'll always have cats, no questions there. I know I would love a snake. Like, maybe a small python. But a dog... it's iffy.

(the first picture is of a samoyed, the second a native american indian dog, my first 2 choices based on temperament combined highly with beauty)

I would like to elaborate.

My last post talked about crying, hitting, and screaming being childish behavior. That I had found a better way to deal with my emotions. Well, I'm not saying that if you ever do those things you're being childish. If you're watching a movie or someone dies and you're moved to tears, then that's different. Emotions often manifest themselves physically like that. All I meant was, I don't use those things to lessen the pain. I've tried having a "good cry" several times and I feel worse after it's over because not only do I feel the same emotionally, I now have itch eyes, a head ache and dehydration. Also it make my shoulder blades and the backs of my arms all tingly and it's weird. I'll tear up during the mystery play and cuss in anger when I stub my toe, but those things aren't going to change my emotional state. Actually, I heard that using physical violence to "get your anger out" can lead to anger issues and being violent as a habit.

So, to sum it up.. displaying my emotions won't make them change and can lead to being just childish unless something significant triggers the emotional response but it still won't make me feel any different and can be potentially harmful.

I won't sleep

No matter how much I want to, no matter how much I need to, I will not sleep. I could be extremely tired, my brain coursing with endorphins. My anxiety issues that I'm fairly sure I have are taking over me. Like something high jacked my emotional state and made it impossible to relax. It only happens when I have to get up the next day. I know it'll be perfectly fine if I get sleep, there really isn't anything to worry about. I defeated my fear of the dark through logic, like a Vulcan. But it isn't working this time. Writing may be one of my last hopes.. (besides meditation, which I'm not very good at yet). If I just write down my fear, it'll go away. Because it relives me of the responsibility to think about it. I do not have to remember or think about anything because if I forget or whatever it's right here. I no longer carry the burden of thinking. I leave my thoughts here for the night and pick them up at a later time if necessary. Weather I need them again or not the future will determine. But as for right now, the burden is lifted from me to my blog. Crying out my troubles works for some but not for me. I never feel better after word because all I've accomplished is an obnoxious display of emotion, thirst, itchy eyes and a head ache. My emotional state remains the same. Hitting things doesn't do anything either. All I've managed to accomplish are sore hands and damaged objects. Violence doesn't solve anything. Screaming into a pillow won't work either. All I'm doing is acting like an angry child. Fancy baths don't help either! All I'm doing is sitting in dirty water wishing it was more comfortable. The candles, soft music, and salts are nice but ultimately it does not release from me the responsibility of  worry. If I forget, it could cause problems. If I don't think something through, I might not know how to handle things when they come. If I don't sleep, the next day will be miserable. Only through writing do I feel the weight of worry lift from my shoulders. I know once I get better at meditation, that will probably work 10 fold. And if I combine it with my writing, I'll be the happiest women on earth (and not just because I snatched up Matt before any other girls could get their hands on him. Sorry ladies!). I know I'll still have anxiety, sadness, anger, utter frustration. But now I have found a way to deal with it.

What do crying, hitting, screaming, and bubble baths all have in common? Childishness. (Though it's not childish to treat yourself to a fancy bath once in a while :) Reverting back to a less mature state will not accomplish anything other than making me look foolish. Instead of I'm feeling the pressure I will sit quietly in meditation like the Buddhists, I will read the Bible and learn about what Jesus and all the others teach us, I will   sit at my computer and release the responsibility of worry and remembering into permanent words that will not  be fickle and illusive like thoughts tend to be. I don't have to remember everything I'm worried about, because if I want to know I can just come here.

I would like to talk about yaoi, for it puts me in a good mood.

I don't know if it's normal, or a fetish, or what but man those eastern animated boys get me hotter than the 4th of July. I think it might be part of the reason Tayler may not be able to take me seriously. They have all moved on to real guys from our little games, and even though I have too I still fantasize about them. Kelly and I have played a lot of very erotic yaoi scenes. We call it our 'Itachi Deidara' game. Deidara and Itachi are in love, but the rest of the akatsuki (at least the rest of the hot ones) can't resist the blonde 19 year old, so Hidan brings in his bandage, Sasori brings his home made toys, and Pain holds him down to brutally rape him.

I talked a little bit about yaoi in the last post. It is SO HARD to find! That is, GOOD yaoi is really hard to find. There was finally a manga of Naruto and Sasuke that didn't waste time or hold back (like most of them do). The only thing.. they were drawn SO UGLY. Everything was so exaggerated, it was... oh, it was awful. Then there was a flash game about it that, unlike the ones designed for straight men, was lame.

So, the yaoi that's designed for women is basically froo froo love stories that take FOREVER to get anywhere. And for some reason a lot of it is between a grown man and a kid barely in high school, which is disgusting. Which is why I don't understand everyone's obsession with Loveless. I tried reading it twice and, not only was it a little boring, but it was between a high school freshmen and  a 30 year old. Just because you're an otaku and Japan thinks something, doesn't mean it's right.

The yaois that are for women go like this:

story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story SEX story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story story THE END

Yeah... it's pretty bad.

Then the ones for men are drawn really obnoxiously.

Why can't we just have normal looking, same age men who don't mess around? Don't even get my started on how hard it is to find something that is higher rated than PG 13. I don't care about seeing all the hairy details (no pun intended) just like... a scene like this one:

I haven't watched the whole thing, basically only this part. So it's probably one of those fluff yaois (fluff meaning filled with story line and something else besides hot anime guys bonning each other) they think women enjoy. So.. I have a choice between obnoxious butt sex designed for gay guys, or froo froo love stories designed for women. OR adults forming relationships with children rated PG 13 and, unfortunately, sometimes higher. So... I wish I could draw. Then I could make my OWN yaoi and not have to deal with all of this nonsense!  Give me sexy boys the same age who look normal and don't mess around. The mystery of R or the details of X I don't care what it's rated as long as it's out of the parental zone.

It's just... so aggravating... I mean, you'd figure that what I want would be the easiest to find. But it's really hard. Please, someone make a yaoi that's normal and fast paced. That isn't so much to ask, is it..?

(This is one of my favorite pictures ever)

Typical Entry

I went down to see Matthew today. It was awesome! I am getting tired of the fact that we cannot resist from barking up a tree every time we see each other! It's not good, and it makes me afraid.

Tayler and I talked a little bit. We sort of got things worked out, not really. She's still on that little sister crap. Because she 'taught me a lot' over the years while apparently learning nothing from me. And it makes me, for now, stand by what I've said in the past; she doesn't take me seriously. This is pretty much how the fight went:

Her: lecture lecture lecture LECTURE!

Me: ~Oh, you're going to lecture me on what I'm doing wrong in life? OK, I'll do the same to you~ lecture lecture LECTURE.

Her: Um, excuse me? I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself. But you lecture lecture lecture.

She said that it was that that's what friends do, they protect each other and sometimes Nathan has to do the same for her. WELL then, if you're going to "protect" me why shouldn't I do the same for you? She reacted EXACTLY how I did when I did the the same thing to her she did to me. So, being all this as it is. She can say she doesn't think of me as an ignorant child, but that's the treatment I got. And I think it's the treatment I've BEEN getting. Because now that I think about it, she never comes to me for anything. Not advice, not comfort. She has for comfort in the past when we were still going to choir together, but that's been A LONG time ago. And I don't recall her ever asking me anything. So, apparently in her mind I have nothing to offer. It's like a grown adult and a 5 year old child. You don't go to a 5 year old for advice and you don't ask them questions about problems. Even just the way she worded it "...I'm a big girl and can take care of myself..." in other words, I am not. I don't know what made her decide this about me. Did I ask to many questions? I didn't have a whole public school of a choices of people to go to you know, my options were kind of limited if I wanted to know something. I didn't have a sex education class like the fancy book learners. I mean, I went to her for EVERYTHING. Yet her life was, and is, a mystery to me. She hides it like you would hide the fact that Santa isn't real to a child (or something, you get the idea.). "It has nothing to do with her being beneath me" well you don't see ignorant children as 'beneath' you either.

Seriously, I hope I'm wrong and just don't know what she's really trying to do or say, but based on what she said and how she acted, this is my conclusion.

I told her, if you want to protect someone maybe do it more gently, I quoted Friedrich Nietzsche "We often refuse to accept an idea merely because the way in which it has been expressed is unsympathetic to us." And she agreed. And, that's the nice way of saying it. If I didn't want her to listen, I could have said "bitching at someone is not how you go about protecting them, not matter how right you are, you'll just piss them off." 

But whatever her reasons for thinking so little of me, she does. Or at least appears to. I went to her in my times of need, and I will never make that mistake again. I know she has problems, questions, and sadness just like I do so I don't see why it has to be a one way street. She can think what she wants, she's 2 hours away so I don't have to put up with it any more.

Like I said, I hope it's just low self esteem or pride or something and there really isn't something to put up with  , that it's just my misunderstanding. I was reading the Bible last night. It said basically to hold onto valuable friends. I would hate to lose her over a misunderstanding on my part, as far as I know (or knew) she was one of the most valuable I had, like a Blue Eyes White Dragon (on the show at least). Hm, maybe that's why she can't take me seriously especially as someone older than her, my little fetish. Sasuke, Gaara, Deidara, Seshomaru, Edward Elric, Dark, Grimjow, and Marik are some of the yummiest... some people like balloons,  small children, ghosts, feet, animals, hell I've even heard of wheel chairs. But it's a game we used to play... we would pick our favorite anime guy and pretend to date him and marry him and whatever! (lol). Well... they've all moved on from their eastern cartoon lovers. Me however.. it was a little something more. A sexual attraction that comes from well drawn boys of preferably Japanese origin. And maybe when those boys are lonely when they're together and perhaps experiment with closeted feelings a little... with each other...

I was told "oh it's because you just haven't had any real guys" well, I have, for a while now. Nothing has changed. Watching Sasuke and Deidara battle it out with one shirtless the other robeless in a netted halter top in episodes 124 to 126 and chapters 357 to 363 in books 39 to 40 still gets me hot at the good parts. 


Oh well, if my fetish makes me an ignorant child so be it. There really isn't much I can do x_x lolz!

The weekend

So, this weekend Brian and Samantha, my brother and sister came up to visit! This was also the weekend of my birthday party (actually the reason why Brian and Sam came up). I decided to allow boys, mostly to see Brian and Matt. Though some sister time would have been nice. Oh well, Sam and I plan to make up for it this summer. Brian's coming to live with us! Yay. But I'm afraid it won't last long, he's going to go to Wyoming asap to live cheaper or something while in college. I'm happy for him! I am. I'm also a little jealous. And sad because I'll miss him to death. At least Sam has a few years before she'll be leaving. But then I (hopefully) may leave. Sigh, I don't think we'll ever get to spend another summer together again...


I'll write more later

Few things so I can fucking sleep

Please will someone talk to me real quick so I can get to bed?

I feel hopeless and like I could cry. I’m in a fight with a really important person in my life and I don’t know how it can be resolved if she continues to act like losing my friendship would be as big a deal as flushing a gold fish. This isn’t just some lame dispute over a guy or something, this concerns sex and suicide. She thinks she’s so much greater and smarter than me just because she has been in the sex department. But I have in the fact that I haven’t tried to commit suicide or cut myself. Because you know, that’s a really great way to handle the serious aspects of life. She told me she thought of me as ‘her little sister’ (even though I’m older) and I know that’s probably suppose to sound endearing, but hurts hell. Why can’t she take me seriously? Yes, I’ve done stupid things but so has she why do the stupid things I’ve done make me so much worse then the stupid things she’s done? I mean, I tried to talk things out with her but she acts like nothing I say matters. Like a 5 year old who doesn’t under stand why he’s suppose to wear a seat belt or eat vegetables or something, so he protests and tries to argue. That’s how she sees me… and I don’t understand why. We’re the same age pretty much and each of us has had a time where we didn’t handle life in a good way at all so why does that make me a stupid 5 year old and her the all knowing one? I don’t get it at all…

lease will someone talk to me real quick so I can get to bed?

I feel hopeless and like I could cry. I’m in a fight with a really important person in my life and I don’t know how it can be resolved if she continues to act like losing my friendship would be as big a deal as flushing a gold fish. This isn’t just some lame dispute over a guy or something, this concerns sex and suicide. I just turned 19 and she’s going to be 19 in a few months. We’re young, we’ve both done things that were a really horrible way to go about life. But for some reason, the horrible ways I’ve done make me a childish moron while she is for some reason all knowing and wise. To her, I am a 5 year old arguing why I really don’t need to eat my vegetables and she’s the adult who is capable of understanding the reasons why you do need to eat that stuff. I am so stupid and incompetent that she needs to lecture me and hopefully I’ll listen to the smart one so I don’t touch the stove and get burned. Because after all, she knows everything and I know nothing. And I should listen to her because even though I’m actually a few months older she is so much more grown up and wise than I am.

Not a lot to report for today

After a few days of stress and happenings, I am so glad to get back to the usually nothingness that was my life. And all this week I start late in the day at Walmart so I am very happy about that. Especially after all that napping with Peanut! For a while Peppy was with us too. It was so nice! It made me miss Tum Tum a lot though.

I put batteries in that light saber Matt got me for my birthday. It's small and doesn't go in the hilt all the way like they're suppose to do, but it makes wooshing sounds when you swing it! And it makes the light saber bangy noise when you hit stuff! So the sound effects are awesome. He also got me a GED book (which I haven't looked at yet, lolz) and a picture frame with tiger lilies my favorite flower! He is so sweet, thoughtful and creative! I'm pretty damn easy to shop for, but still.

There really isn't a lot to talk about... I've been doing quite literally nothing all day. That makes me happy. I'm so glad to have a job. But I'm going to look for a better one. One that pays more. Ally told me that waitresses can make hundreds of dollars a night! I don't know if that's true or at least true everywhere, but (and especially since I know now that I like that kind of work) I'll see what's up with it all. For now however, I plan to do nothing for a while longer, take a nice bath with some hot vanilla, and go to bed with Peanut like I've been doing the past couple nights! My bed may be small, but it's so nice to be with a cat that loves you. (To the extent that a pet can).

I suppose I'll write about today's events.

So, I'm just sitting here waiting until I feel colder and more tired so I can comfortably and successfully go to bed. So, I finally got to see Matt today and well, after church his car ran out of battery behind Safeway. So for a few reasons I stayed out of site while he went and found someone for help. Eventually we made it back home. But man, were we BEAT! I am so glad I don't have to go back to the Walmart cult-I mean, team. Sure I'd get paid but man... I am so not used to stress. And there has been quite a lot of it lately. Not just from not only what is my new job, but for the most part my first. Luckily the work is simple. But I am a little worried of having to do it alone. Sure Joni (my cart pushing co-worker) can turn a whole row, but I might be a little slower. Causing the parking lot to be blocked for a lot longer! So, I'm hoping a won't have to be out there by myself any time soon. At least not until I'm more confident. It probably won't take long since I was using the machine and the day before I had been terrified of the machine. So yay. Oh that reminds me of something else that happened the day of the cell phone-break-manager-whatever incident. I sat on the machine and got in trouble for it even though I saw Kevin (My professional cart pushing co-worker) sitting on it too. Oh well.

You know what? As a young new employee, a lot of the people there kept telling me what a great opportunity this is and what an awesome career this could start!! Well, no offense to anyone in a high position at Walmart, but to me nothing says failure more than managing a freak grocery store.  And not just grocery, any business not someone didn't build from the ground up themselves. I'll you're doing is helping make someone else's dream come true. I mean if their dream is your dream, or you love your job then sure that's fine. But I have a feeling most of those people didn't go out job hunting or into college making it a goal to strive to be a manager at Walmart. It seems like if you have a job like that, it's not your own dreams and desires taking you there. For whatever reason you didn't pursue them,  even if you were to desperate for money or have to many kids to support, managing something like Walmart and not trying to do anything else career-wise is a mark of broken dreams and abandoned goals. Unless your dream is to provide for a family, which for a lot of men it is, so they don't really care how they do it good for you fathers and husbands. But if in the future I caught myself managing a Walmart and not trying to do anything else career-wise I would look in the mirror one day and cry. All my dreams and goals abandoned for something easy. Something that I didn't have to strive nearly as much for, something that was more in front of me in life then what I originally wanted to do. It would mean that I had taken life's easy road instead of grabbing it by the horns and doing something actually worth while with my time.

What it's like to work at Walmart (as far as I can tell)

You come in, they're so nice! They make you feel confident, safe, and welcomed. They call their team the 'Walmart family' they even have little cheers. They're just so happy you're here and part of the family now. They're understanding and are ready to give guidance to anyone (new or otherwise) who needs it.

But then, you make one little mistake. ONE. And the true colors show through. The cart pusher training video I watched told me to take frequent breaks. So that's what I was doing. Granted, I didn't have to be talking to my boyfriend while taking these little breaks but they completely dropped the warm fuzzy act and almost fired me on the spot. The manager gave me a stern warning. She wasn't like 'hey, I need to talk to you' which is bad enough, she was just flat out like 'OK we need to get something straight right now' or something. I mean I understand, but do you have to be so harsh? Especially on the second or third day? It made me feel really bad the rest of the day.


But in a way I'm glad. I had fallen for the 'we're a big happy family and we're so glad you're here' routine. It's not a family it's a business. Yes, I knew it was a business the whole time (duh) but I mean... they make you feel like they're on your side. And I believed it. Now I know, that they are not. Sure if you need help finding where the salad dressing is or what have you, yeah. But if you do anything even as a noob to the job world altogether, they turn on you like wolves.

I don't care how much of a team we are, it's every wo/man for them self. You help a co-worker if they need it but you watch your back and make sure you stay on the higher-up's good side.

One last thing for this morning...

So, I've had to restart blogs several times. Why? Because Blogger sucks when it comes to logging in. I have to have to google account I can't use my usual password I mean it became IMPOSSIBLE for me to sign in. So. Stupid. But now hopefully blogger won't kick me off with it's horrible regulations to supposedly keeping peoples accounts safe, apparently even from their owners.


I was doing the tumblr thing for a while but... it just isn't as good of a blogging site as this (apart from logging in). So, blogger, I kind of hate you but you're the best freebie out there so... fuck and thank you.

How work is working out... and whatever else is on my mind.

Well, today will be my 3rd day at Walmart. So far it's been exceedingly boring. All I've done is study policy and instructions and then got quizzed on the policy and instructions. A lot of which doesn't even apply to me especially since even if I did qualify for certain benefits I don't have an immediate family member in the military. So why should I have to know about it? Give new workers access to the information should they so desire or need to know, but don't make EVERYONE memorize it, gawd. Anyway, hopefully today I can start cart pushing. And while I'm out there cart pushing, I'll be wishing to be inside back on a computer studying policy! It was SO WINDY yesterday it was scary... it better not be that way today... or any other time I have to work outside. Hahahaha I can dream can't I! Anyway... so, that's all the news for now really. Not a lot has happened. One of the navy shirts I got, ironically, at Target had a hole. Mom returned it and got me a new one. It's s size bigger so I don't look quite as fabulous, but it's still a size small. Normally I'm medium but that shirt was from the womens section and I usually shop in the Jr's since the womens cloths don't really appeal to me or fit me. Yep. Nothing else to report!! lolz. So... short post. Nothing new in the Tayler situation. Troll Bitch aka jillian from help was unbanned after unsurprisingly being banned for, what else, trolling. So that's entertaining. Dixie got perma banned. That makes me very unhappy since she seems like one of the coolest people ever and was there to listen to my rambling if she was online and I was upset about something. So, help's been going downhill. But at least Matt and I have joined a Bible study in which Blest (who, thankfully, I can't see ever getting banned. And if he does, well then we're all screwed lolz). is involved in. So, that's awesome. Unfortunately I have to work Saturdays it seems so I won't be able to see Matt as often! DX My life has been a mixture of like, good and bad on all ends of the spectrum lately. Everything from Losing Sonny (rest in peace, little Tum Tum...) and getting evacuated and almost losing my house in a fire to petty help drama. I have a job, a boyfriend, lost Tayler as a friend at least for now. Even if Tayler and I do resolve it, I can't see us ever being as close as we were. I've lost trust in her. I didn't know she thought so little of me. Apparently I'm so incompetent and stupid that she needs to come in and take care of things for me. It hurts, it really does. But I just wrote 5 or more huge paragraphs on the subject so yeah.

You know, I think I should make blogging a regular morning habit. That way, I can get out whatever's on my mind so it doesn't bother me at work. I love it! What a great idea. That post I made about Tayler lifted a lot of weight of my shoulders.

I wanted to get a life, so I did (or at least am in the process). I tried making some friends, didn't really work out that well since the girl seemed excited but ultimately never messaged me back. Then I lost Tayler (even if not if always in these horrible circumstances, not as before if she's going to keep up an attitude like that) which is really a major blow. I mean, all those good memories of the past of really REALLY important things like Mystery Players involves her are now just depressing. I don't want to look back at Mystery Players and feel nothing but sadness and guilt. I mean, she probably thinks that it was IMPERATIVE that I go up there for a couple days so that I can.. uhh... we're just going to call it.. that certain home treatment. Well, if she thinks that I am so stupid and incompetent that I can't even drive to the store, get one of those certain home treatments, take it in the bathroom of the store and throw it away well... that's just sad. I mean, "guess who will have to clean up that mess" or whatever she said? If I can already easily do that first part on my own, what's left for her to do? I mean I know she's desperate for a kid but jeez don't take it out on the people around you by treating them like babies. She's actually quite powerless in that situation other than providing moral support.

Sigh, Tayler will probably be appearing in a lot of blog posts for a while. Just because she's not something I can easily forget. Not just our history... but I really care about her. Even after I found out the extent of her crappy attitude toward me, I know she means well. I still owe her $20.

Let's see... anything else I need to get off my chest so I can focus for the day... hm... talked about Dixie being banned... Tayler... horrible policy memorization regulations... oh yeah, got a new horse today. Velvet. Friend for Molly. Oh now here's something. Mom claimed that I had to feed the horses because "I should have a chore I have to do everyday" Well, since Boocy died and the feeding has become tremendously easier, she's been doing the chore that apparently I should do. So it makes me wonder if that was the real reason. Because she even made me do it when I freaking sick most of the time. But now that it's so easy, she has had no problem doing me this favor everyday even though I feel fine. And yes, I am complaining because it seems that it has little to do with.. parenting, or whatever the hell they're trying to do, and more with the fact that it's simply not fun, so make me do it. I mean if that's the reason just tell me, don't make up some shit about responsibility or whatever it was. They're not even my animals. I offered to clean litter boxes and do the other cat chores since I don't do much around here anyway and those animals are mine. But nope. I have to do one specific chore everyday even though any family without a pet doesn't have one specific chore to do everyday for some reason that part of it is imperative even though I'd be doing a lot more with cleaning the litter boxes and making sure their food and water dishes were full and I'd probably be brushing them and doing everything in my power to keep them from puking since they puke a lot and I'd have to clean it up. So.. it really doesn't make sense. And now that that chore that I MUST do everyday because I MUST do ONE SPECIFIC THING everyday has gotten extremely easy so now you don't mind doing it. She knows I HATE it when she does my laundry and cleans my room, but she did recently. It's none of her motherfucking business but she insists on making it so. So she does it probably to make me be clean. All I have to say to that is: real mature.

Let's see... anything else to complain about this morning... eh, not right now. I think I'll end this post. But I think it's the starting of a series of posts I'll call the 'morning complaining' :D Yaaaay. OK, sick of this now good bye.