Tomorrow I start my new job at Walmart. I made a post about on help http://help.com/post/472072-i-am-so-nervous It's about how I feel and the dream I had, lolz. Basically I'm just a little nervous, having never done this before. For some reason the situation with Tayler just crossed my mind. Probably just thinking about current events. I was finally able to figure out and articulate what happened. I suppose I'll write it down here.
So, I was in the middle of a spastic paranoia fest of... 'something' back in January and I messaged her on facebook looking for moral support. Well, she apparently took that as "Ah! I'm completely helpless and clueless and I need you to come in and handle it for me because I'm to stupid to do it myself!!!" So she got in her car, I paid for the gas, and I went and spent 4 days up at her college. Turns out what I was spazzing out about was nothing. Then, a while later, I asked her a question which made her think I lied to her (I suppose I can see why she would think that, but I didn't make promises of any kind nor did I owe her any). And she got angry. Then she started lecturing me as if I was 5 (which royally pissed me off) and at one point she said "...if you got yourself into that situation for real guess who would have to come in and something something something.." and I'm like, excuse me? I never asked you to do anything for me in the first place except maybe friendship support, because I really do not know what she thinks she can do for me that I couldn't already do myself. I mean, unless she won the lottery moral support really is the only way I can see that she could help me. The reason she drove me up to her college I can do myself. Unless going and buying something, using it then throwing it away is to difficult for a little kid like me to handle. I'm not resentful that she would make that drive for me, what I don't like are her reasons. She seems to think she has it all figured out, and can handle everything. While I am just a blissful little kid playing with fire and without the knowledge or ability to take care of myself. Therefore it's her job to come in and set me straight, because after all she knows everything and I know nothing. There is no reason to take anything I say seriously, because it's merely the ramblings of an inexperienced dumbass who doesn't know what she's even talking about.
I don't think this about myself at all. I'm actually quite good at thinking myself out of problems and making plans. This is just the message I got from just about everything she did and said. She even said she thought of me as a 'little sister' which as endearing as that's probably suppose to sound, it really hurts. Oh yeah, and at the beginning of her little lecture, she asked 'that pig' which for many reasons tells me just how well thought out and valid her whole argument is. So right off the bat I knew that she thought she knew exactly what was going on, but really, seriously, did not. But acted like she did anyway. That's when things took a turn for the worse because I was pissed, and so I called her a 'know it all'. She was being one, but it didn't help anything to point it out. And she still thought of me as a helpless clueless 5 year old who needs her big sister to come in and save her. That realization hurts A LOT. I am seriously baffled as to what she thinks she can do that I can't do for myself? She can't give me money for support (that'd be mom and daddys department, like it has always been), transportation (moms car, but I can drive myself), a thing to buy and use (I have money), so all that's really left is like I've been saying, moral support. The only thing she could really do for me in that situation. The rest, thanks to my great home and the fact that I am not a helpless clueless dumbass 5 year old like she seems to think I am, is covered. So... I don't know what she thinks she could do or why she would say 'guess who will have to come in and clean that mess up' (I think that's what she said now that I think about it!). What could you do, Tayler? Besides give me a fun 4 days away from home and moral support? You have no money, no place for me to live... I already have those things. So what were you talking about? What more do I need besides friends to simply be there for me?
As much as I'd like to end it there, because it sounds good when you read it, there is more. You know the Golden Rule? Well, she was being a lecturey know it all to me, so I started being a lecturey know it all to her. The golden rule doesn't excuse my behavior, but it triggered it. A lot of people seem to be... becoming alienated from her. I talked to Aryn a bunch and some other people and they agree. I brought this up, didn't do any good. Made things worse. It's not something I fully know about, but I acted like I did. So I truly did do the same thing to her that she did to me. Instead I wished I had kept my mouth shut. So, she hurt me and in return I hurt her. Seems easy enough to fix with this realization, but I'm afraid it would be useless to try and fix things. She'll probably find some way to say that my feelings weren't justified, and that hers were. And she's the victim and now I'm an evil helpless clueless 5 year old. But she was very right about a few things, I wasn't going about it in the most cautious intelligent way, that's for darn sure. That doesn't mean I need her to come in and handle it for me. Especially since there really is nothing she can do besides moral support anyway. And there are a few things that she's not handling in the best way either, and if she thinks it's not as serious as what she was absolutely right about, well, it kind of contributes to the 'alienation' thing so yeah I'd say that's pretty darn serious. The other reason I don't really feel like trying is that I'm still hurt! Why on earth does she think so lowly of me? How could she? We were friends, we were equals just like 2 people in any relationship should be. But now it's more like a (to her) older and wiser sister and a younger, clueless incompetent sister. At least that's the message I got from her. I'm willing to bet, that's it's not as bad as my bruised feelings are willing to admit. In any case, I really don't know who is more or less at fault here but I'm not sure it matters. I can't have a memory from the last 4 or 5 years of my life without her in it, and I'd rather not have my entire teenhood stained with feelings of hurt and guilt, so I feel like I have to do something.
Normally I'd feel horrible talking to someone about a personal problem they have that they didn't ask me about (what she's not being entirely great about) but that's exactly what she did to me! Sigh, here I go again almost giving her another lecture on this blog entry about something I don't have all the angles on. Like I said before, the cause doesn't justify the means. So, we're both to blame. But something else also hurt me... I don't remember a lot of what we said in out fight, but as one point it came to not being friends anymore I think, and she said 'oh well it's your loss' apparently by losing me she's not losing anything at all. Nothing significant anyway. Not important enough to ever think about again once it's gone. As if she were flushing a goldfish. If she ever read this (which she won't) or I mentioned this, I have no idea what her reaction would be. Would she roll her eyes and say my feelings aren't justified? Would she feel like she did anything wrong? Would she say "see, because you got that from everything I did and said, just proves that you are just as inexperienced and clueless as I thought." From my writing, you've probably gotten that I don't think very highly of her. Well, deep down I do, honestly. But it's hard to express that when someone has hurt you. Thanks to her getting me in Mystery Players, I really do owe who I am to her. Because Mystery Players played a huge role in who I became through those years. It made me a better person, it made me a person of faith and love for the Lord. Instead of another body simply keeping the seats warm at church every Sunday.
Like I said before, I don't really know who's feelings are more justified or who's more at fault. I wish I could just go to her and say it doesn't matter. That this is stupid and we should forget it every happened. But at one point she said "I something something and you turn around and treat me like shit." Thing is, I felt like I was being treated like shit. But I don't have her perspective and she doesn't have mine. So we can't fully know each others point of view. But I do miss her and just seriously wish we could go back to the way things were, to give it another go. But I'm afraid that it will only happen again... but friends fight all the time and they get over it, right? I don't know, I just hate this!
