Angry Letters

Mom - Thanks for not allowing me to get an education, social skills, have a life, or go to college like everyone else my age. I hope you're happy I was treated differently. Yes at church, where the hell else.

June - I don't care how much you hate your job or your life, there is no reason to be a freaking bitch to the people you're in charge of. And yes, I do have to check your receipt. Next time you buy something and use that 'you should already know this you fucking moron' voice to tell me "no, you don't!" I'll tell you "that's not what Rose said." I asked, again.


Tayler - I don't care what we were fighting about anymore, I just can't get around the fact you don't give a rat's ass about our friendship. "My loss" indeed.

Marcel - Rot in Hell

Obama - Africa, Hawaii, I don't care. Just go back there and leave poor America alone. It's in enough trouble already, thank you.

Leftists, at least most of the ones I've talked to - Please quit trying to cover the fact that you absolutely have no fucking clue what the hell you're talking about by accusing every independent (who happens to not agree with the president) and right-winger of being recast. I'm not trying to say I'm any better at politics than you are, but I think I've got this thing called 'common sense' down.


Matt's dad - I don't know why you're so much more concerned with establishing the pecking order every chance you get, even though it has probably been apparent for years now, more than your own son, just please don't make my hunny hide away in his room all the time. (btw repeating the same old lectures again, again and again doesn't help anything. Relax, he heard you the first 12-hundred times)

Sincerely, 

……..…../´¯/)
…………/…./
………../….//
…../´¯/…./´¯\
.././…/…./…./.|_
(.(….(….(…./.)..)..
.\…………….\/…/
..\…………….. /
….\…………..(

To answer David's question...

I'll keep it short, because I know you're busy.

I live with my adopted parents. Being 3 days old at the time, I obviously didn't pick that part. But the house we're in is completely because of me. As a little girl I loved horses. There happened to be a stable in the middle of the city I could ride in. Mom became so attached to one of the horses that when the owner sold the property to some housing company, she just had to have him. So we moved almost an hour away and this was my dream.

Well, I got older, my interests changed. Decided going out in horrible blizzards to feed was not worth any animal and thanks to a combination of that and getting bucked off earlier mentioned horse who I thought I could trust, stopped riding. I hated how all my friends got to go to public school and live close to each other. I was out here, on my own with homeschooling, watching that animal that ruined what could have been an active teen life get fatter and fatter in the back yard. 

Of course leaving a 14 year old on their own with school is a terrible idea, because they'll be extremely lazy and probably just skip it all together. Then you send them to a trade school where they do really well because not wanting to fall behind the class is actually great motivation. You begged and begged to go to school like everyone else but noooooo, she wants to try 'homeschooling'. Her other 2 kids went to public school now she wants to try something new.

All your friends went off to college and you're stuck at home working as a walmart cart pusher.

I'm 19, in parents basement, dreaming of all the lost time of just being a teen. All my friends went out and always had tons of pictures of events and whatever on facebook and graduation parties. Meanwhile, you were at home. Not hearing the latest dirty jokes. Then when you don't get those dirty jokes and happen to have a baby face and look 12 at 16 (not joking) when you get to see them they treat you differently. If one of the others didn't get it, one would whisper it to him and they would laugh. I didn't get, "Oh don't worry about it!" They'd say giggling.

I was treated different because I was homeschooled. They acted like I was someone's kid sister wanting to play with the big kids. They would spontaneously make plans in front of me and if someone wanted to join in they'd just say "cool!" but if I wanted to "OK, ask your mom." I told them it was fine, it always was. But they never listened to me.

Anyway, that part is over now. Only one 'friend ever still treats me like that. She's not dumb (meaning she can talk, not that she's stupid either though), but even though her ears work fine she's quit deaf. She'd just be talking about something, I would warn her, she wouldn't listen, a long time later the exact thing I said would happen, she didn't remember me ever saying anything and no I don't believe she was just saying that. I asked her for advice, like I did everyone (even my own sister who is 5 years younger than me) didn't mean to create a huge ego boost.

Now, I have a boyfriend who is more emotionally dependent on me than I can give him and it hurts because I know I'll end up really hurting him because I just cannot serve the depths of his emotional needs. I tried, I found myself resenting him and dreading looking at my cell phone and avoiding facebook. Maybe I'm being selfish? Maybe this makes person sense? I don't know that either.

No education, part time crap job, parents basement completely relating to that procrastination post still haven't gotten around to joining in on that experiment. My friends are in college and my younger friends are all having graduation parties. I have a feeling I'll never get either. No matter what I do, I'll either end up pushing carts or being a house wife. Not that there's anything wrong with being a house wife, there just is if you're me and wanted so much more.




This is the answer I did give him, it belongs here too.

I'm a 19 year old girl? Women? Who rates at about a 4 at best sitting in parents walk out basement with a part time job as a cart pusher while my friends all have graduation parties and finish their first year of college. My extreme phobia of moths might force me to quit that crap job so I'll be an even bigger loser. Still haven't gotten around to joining in on that procrastination experiment.

My ideas to save money

This may start out with very few ideas, but soon I'll have a device I saw for myself once that can make it so you only need to put gas in the car once a month as oppose to four:

Half.com for text books, or video games.

Ladies, never buy another tampon or pad again, at least until you can afford to! Think about using a Menstrual Cup

This one's pretty obvious... take advantage of the free wifi you can find around town instead of paying an internet bill.

Bike to work, even if it takes an hour and there are hills. If you argue that you're super tired after work, well that's the best time to work out anyway so think of all the muscle you'll gain.

Don't wanna live off microwave ramin?  Grow your own food! Lots of vegetables can grow in pots, and eating green peppers alone isn't as bad as the same old probably-nutritionally-void noodles. Also food at  Walmart where I work is pretty cheap. Banana's are about 50 cents. Someone returned a single banana, got about 7 cents back lolz.

With Job Corps, you get Free Room and Board, along with complimentary Education. I know I thought it was to good to be true at first also.

Another anxiety relif post

Heart racing, breathing fast, unable to sit still for very long...

I have to go into work tomorrow at 7 am and I just know that if I don't relax then I literally will not sleep. With my luck, June will be there. Joni said she was, and I quote, "a really nice lady" but I couldn't disagree more. I'm sure she's a perfectly fine person, but as a boss not so much. The tone of 'you should already know this you fucking moron' in her voice is a little put-offish. And I don't know if she just doesn't like her butt or what but she power walks EVERYWHERE even if she's on her day off and it's a little scary. Joni said "well, she's very busy" but none of the other css's have to do that all the time. She's just really intimidating. Once, I sent a customer after her because she knows just about everything about Walmart (or at least she thinks she does) and the customer just didn't have the power walking experience so couldn't keep up. So, despite my better judgment I said "June, you have a customer after you" and she whipping around as if I had said "June, your daughter is bleeding to death on the ground behind you." I've met her daughter, and let me tell you I thought I had a baby face. She looks like she's in high school but she's in her 20s apparently. Maybe I do have that bad a baby face because everyone thinks I'm 15. She seems nice though.

Mom asked what Matt and I were doing in my room with the door closed when she got home tonight. Of course, we were doing what you'd think two nineteen year olds would be doing, but it's started the freak out tonight. The other part is having to get up so early and I haven't been the greatest on my sleeping. Oh well, I'm sure with a little coffee, a bit of will power but probably mostly fear of June, I'll get through people greeting without being horrible at it (e.i. by sitting down).

While we're on Walmart gossip, I might as well tell myself about the rest of it. I've heard that sometimes work places just have HORRIBLE people. When Tayler was working as a life guard at some amusement park, she described the most obnoxious bunch of.. just mean people ever and I felt for her for having to go and put up with that all summer. But at my workplace most everyone is really nice. All the managers are well liked by everyone. The only one who isn't is Kevin, the guy who owns the entire store because of... well, my only reason that he's my least favorite is because he doesn't like employees to use carts on the job if they need to (I do for returns) which is just plane silly. Trust me Kevin, the customers are WAY to absorbed in their own little world to notice what us navy and kacky drones are up to. In fact, when I'm just shopping at a store, I don't even see any employees unless I'm looking for one. While I'm working, I see them around the store more than customers sometimes. Otherwise, it's like they're not even there, seriously. I'm to wrapped up in my shopping and whatever to care about the poor suckers on their 9 to 5.

AS much as I love to gossip about my bosses and co-workers, I do feel the urge to, random as it may be, type this:

1...

2...

3...

4... o'clock

5...

6...

6..15 awake, or did I even sleep at all...

Is this really what's bothering me? Was it the fact that mom walked in the house when Matt and I were gettin' it on and asked about it right before she went to bed then I said "oh, we were just hangin' out" and if I'm asked why the door was closed, I'll say force of habit which I know will work, but still. What's bothering me about it? Is it the fact that we were SO CLOSE to getting busted? Is it deep feelings of fear of getting pregnant at this most embarrassing time in life to do so? Am I afraid of then knowing I'm sexually active? Why is that scary? Maybe them finding out in a certain way is what's scary. Or... I don't know. David said something about only being afraid of a feeling, and I think that applies here. I'm afraid of feeling tired so I freak out and make that very thing happen. It's SO STUPID. The only thing creating the problem is fear of the problem. That's it. Nothing else ever keeps me awake at night like this. It's only when I know I have to get up in the morning. What if I don't sleep and end up suffering all day? Well, I WOULD sleep if there was no fear of not sleeping. If I wasn't afraid of it, it wouldn't happen. Only the fear makes it happen. Fear is the only reason it comes true. That may sound ridiculous but I'm not saying it applies to everything, just this problem. I've tried baths, soothing music, hot vanilla, no caffeine near bed, medication, and meditation. And all those things help, but I think the only way to defuse this problem once and for all is to get on a freaking sleep schedule already. I want to be up in the day but I've been nocturnal and even proud to say I was nocturnal for years. And when it comes to making a change for the better in my life it never lasts. Always slipping away with a mixture of the deep physiological issues that cause procrastination, and just plain laziness. I did manage to stop biting my nails and start washing my hands after I use the restroom (I know but I was never taught, and mom STILL doesn't do it!!)

I'm wondering if it's the fact mom said something about us today or if that just got the ball rolling for this actual fear of not sleeping and suffering the next day. I just tried to write about the math. The number of hours I'll be awake if I don't sleep. It ended up terrifying me. I erased it, hoping at least not having a visual will help. I don't think I have a lot to worry about though. I've been doing pretty OK with sleeping (mostly thanks to having to work when I would normally not help but have to take a nap at home) and I'm only a people greeter so it's not like I'll be doing the physical labor of cart pushing. And it'll help tremendously with my sleeping schedule anyway. There are so many good things, and they really do out weight the bad. Like, being tired the next day isn't as bad as help getting a normal schedule is good. Because that's just a few hours, this is probably most of the rest of my life. It's actually quite a small price. Also, it's weird. Whenever I don't want to sleep (like take a nap in the middle of the day or for whatever reason not go to bed quite this early) it is SO HARD to stay awake, even if I've not been up for 16 hours yet. Sometimes if I've only been up 10, or less! Which is ridiculous.

So sleeping is, above all, mental. If you're mentally sick enough, you could probably not sleep until it killed you. And if you have an inhuman amount of mental control, you could fall asleep at will. It's all in your mind.. sleeping is all in the mind.. it's all about the mind, and it's specifically for the mind. The rest of your body, I imagine, benefits from more than anything the lack of use. But the mind... I don't know. The conscious and subconscious are really bad at communication and  may not even talk at all. It's up to the conscious to show the subconscious what to do like you would train an animal. This is part of that training. My subconscious is a wild animal that I must put a tight leash around, less it reek havoc and bring misery everywhere it goes.

Random Favorites

For some reason I'm really into these favorite posts!! Here is a random amount of some random things I find are better than the other things like them.

Animal 

Color

Season

Book

(Naruto in general not this specific volume)

Character (over all)

(Gaara)

Beverage

Food

Starbucks drink

TV show

Movie

Flower

Band

Fast Food

Best Videos Ever!

These are all of my current favorite videos. Except for the ones by nigihia because that would be just way to many videos! So instead here's a link to his channel. but now, without further ado, the best videos ever!

Haven't gotten around to tackling that procrastination problem yet..

Everyday I get more and more behind David. He says that procrastination comes from an extreme fear of failure. The thing is... he says that he has trouble even making a phone call. I do too. But how can anyone fail that? How can anyone fail at sending an email if they make an attempt? Perhaps there is a bit of laziness in the mix... I am relived to find out that, a lot of it isn't that I'm lazy. For years and years I thought I was. But it turns out some of it is deep physiological issues that sounds easier to work around than laziness. I just don't get how you can be afraid to fail at things like laundry and making a phone call.. easy stuff like that. Maybe it is a touch of laziess. Or maybe there's more to it than we think... or I missed something while reading lolz.

I don't know if I see the point of trying to be who you want to be

Apparently, life in a never ending journey of growth. Which by itself sounds profound and magical. But to me it sounds more like perpetual suffering. You know the reasons money can't buy happiness, right? Because no matter how much you get, or how much you buy you're just going to want more? Well... isn't a never ending growth trip the same kinda thing? No matter how much better you get, the satisfaction gives way to something else you want to do.

Maybe, instead of selfishly pursuing our own goals of careers and sports stuff and education degrees, you should do something worth while. Something relevant to the world. College is a rip off unless you're going for law or medical doctor or something. No one in the entire world got fired for a less than perfect GPA. After school it's completely irrelevant.

Go to a soup kitchen, help save pandas, foster homeless children do something you can look back on and actually feel good about doing!

Sure you climbed for up the career ladder and have a big house... what the fuck is that suppose to mean? Look at me, I'm good at getting things for myself? Wonderful, no one cares!

Instead of wasting your time on stress and status, try thinking of ways you improve the world around you. What can you do right now to help someone somehow?

People waste all their time on pointless college degrees and career building and money making and fancy house and car getting when they could be doing something that is actually relevant to not only other people's lives but their own.

My Current Favorite Songs

This might be fun to look back on someday. Here are my favorite songs in no particular order and with no particular amount.

Green Day - When I come around

Carolina Liar - Show me what I'm looking for

Death Cab for Cutie - Soul meets body

Semisonic - Closing time

 

no one in particular - In Christ alone

Bill Whithers - Aint no sunshine

Avril Lavigne - Anything but ordinary

The Beatles - Let it be

Del Amitri - Roll to me

Disturbed - Inside the fire

Evanescene - Wisper

Fall Out Boy - Head first slide into cooper town on a bad bet

Happy Mother's Day!

Mommy, I am only 8 inches long, but I have all my organs. I love the sound of your voice. Every time I hear it, I wave my arms and legs. The sound of your heart beat is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two

Mommy, today I learned how to suck my thumb. If you could see me, you could definitely tell that I am a baby. I’m not big enough to survive outside my home though. It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three

You know what Mommy, I’m a girl! I hope that makes you happy. I always want you to be happy. I don’t like it when you cry. You sound so sad. It makes me sad too, and I cry with you even though you can’t hear me.

Month Four

Mommy, my hair is starting to grow. It is very short and fine, but I will have a lot of it. I spend a lot of my time exercising. I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes, and stretch my arms and legs. I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five

You went to the doctor today. Mommy, he lied to you. He said that I’m not a baby. I am a baby Mommy, your baby. I think and feel. Mommy, what’s abortion?

Month Six

I can hear that doctor again. I don’t like him. He seems cold and heartless. Something is intruding my home. The doctor called it a needle. Mommy what is it? It burns! Please make him stop! I can’t get away from it! Mommy! Help me!

Month Seven

Mommy, I am okay. I am in Jesus’s arms. he is holding me. He told me about abortion. Why didn’t you want me Mommy?

Life sucks right now... but I'll try to see good anyway.

Bad:

After closing off weekend availability (which won't take affect for 3 weeks, so I'll probably lose the job anyway) I had to call in sick this Saturday and  so with all that's happened it looks fake. I'm hoping to gawd I can go in tomorrow, even though I'll probably get fired anyway.

Good:

This job is only part time anyway and I really want a full time job. Sure there are great people at this Walmart but I'm sure you find that in a lot of places.

Good:

There is another job that I will probably get that sounds like it's going to be full time! Gigi's doing so well with her dog grooming business she's opening another shop. And well, little shops have to have someone at the counter making appointments and such!

Bad:

I'm highly allergic to dogs and just going to the vets office or a pet smart can trigger my nose to run and my eyes to itch. So even if I get a full time job working for someone I actually know, she still might not like me wearing a breathing mask to work if medication or sheer tolerance fails!

Good:

I thought of something meaningful and special to get my boyfriend for his birthday!

Bad:

...he was disappointed.

Good:

I can't think of anything else except I'm really sick and my nose will be raw or sore from the constant tissues I'm using. Oh wait.. that's bad. My bad.

Today didn't go as planned...

Right now I don't feel good. I think I'm going to have to go home because of being sick. I'm glad I'm not going into work until 6 pm tomorrow.

But it was suppose to be Matthew's special romantic birthday dinner and, not only were mom and daddy in the next room being noisy, but I was (and still am) sick and I didn't do most of the cooking, mom did (because I feel like crap). I knew I shouldn't have told him I had something special for him because it ended up just being egg drop soup and I could tell how disappointed he was. "So I get my present at the end of the meal?" "Um.. this is your present.." "Oh". Heh yeah... I meant for him to take the left overs but oh well, not everyone will like every present you give them! At least he didn't out right say it to my face like Chris did that one time! "Yeah, I don't like the 30 dollar game you gave me" It was years ago but it still hurt! Oh well. He said it was best to just tell someone if you didn't like their gift but man, he couldn't be more wrong! Anyway, I'll try again next year and hopefully we can be alone and I won't be sick and have something worth while to give him. Egg drop soup seemed perfect but I guess not. It ended up being to strong anyway.

The Ideal Life

I'm a dreamer. I dream and dream all day and night. I'm working on becoming a doer as well. I just found out that I have deep physiological issues stopping me from becoming a doer. But until then, here are the dreams I have for my future.

House

I want to live in the country, but not miles and miles from civilization, or red neck or hill billy county. Just a place, maybe not to far from a small town or a little under an hour away from a regular town with a mall and all that. I don't want a huge house, or a tiny house. A normal house with good, honest regular people in the area sounds perfect. I'm don't necessarily want a farm, to much work. Or a very huge property. But maybe my neighbors could :)

I would like a garden

I have a book from the library about growing your own vegetables, fruits and herbs (I'll grow some flowers too ^_^). I've been wanting a garden for years but once again those deep, physiological issues stopped me from doing anything. The only part I know I would hate about having a garden is weeding. I plan to use every trick and cheat available. Deep issues or not, that part will suck, however more rewarding the garden is because of it. But anyway, saving money and maybe making a little (there is a farmers market in that little town I talked about previously in this post) by growing some of my own food would be awesome! And apparently it gives the gardener a deep sense of satisfaction, which is always a nice thing to have.

Pets

I already talked about my pets, but I'll expand a little...

Now that I have a couple archers in my dream life, there will be a lot of room for my dream dog! Matt agreed to having a Standard Poodle instead of a Labradoodle, so now it's even less of a dream than before even though I would have gotten one regardless probably! I also want that snake, I know I want at least one horse. Oh, and probably some chickens just for the next thing I'm going to talk about...

My own business. 

I have the ability to turn any picture into this http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1683187639054&set=a.1680446330523.96948.1218496584&type=1&theater 

I've already sold several copies. When I get Adobe Illustrator (and I actually am soon!) I can make many more things like this and even do it with peoples own pictures. I can work on this while I run my fruit and vegetable stand. Yep, my fruit and vegetable stand. I can also sell home made jam, pony rides, hot dogs and my art work. It'll be the weirdest stand on the road :D I know the horse/pony will cost more than it will make on pony rides, but while the kids are on the pony the adults will be looking at the merchandise. (Matthew will be making the rest of the income :)

The above idea is only if this doesn't work out, or until this.

What's better than owning your own road side business? Going to college for 7 years and traveling around the world or sitting in a laboratory dealing with dinosaur bones! Yep, I want to be a paleontologist. This also conflicts with my other desires... you can't really be a paleontologist and live where ever you want. You need to live where you can have a job. And they don't build laboratories and museums in small country towns. This is where my dreams conflict. Sure I can still have my poodle and a small garden, but I don't really want to live in the city... I'm going to help.com about this. But later, at a better time to post (It's 1 am right now).

So this is where my dreams don't quite add up. I'm scared that I won't be able to find work in this field I have so much passion for because of the economy and it's not in high demand blah blah blah. So I'm scared I'll waste money getting degrees I can't use for much of anything and not find a job and not live in that little town. So I'll waste years I could have had my road stand and country house. But then if I just go straight to that then I might miss out on my dinosaur dream...

There is tiny hope...

Well, as it turns out I was able to keep up with the carts today to a degree (Matt has me saying 'to a degree' now, lolz). So if I could only find out how to change my availability so I don't work weekends I might be able to keep my job. The only thing, the schedule is already set for 3 weeks. I'm going to be a people greeter all but the weekends where I will no doubt be alone on carts. I was thinking of asking if I could use sick days or vacation time so I don't have to work those days. I feel terrible because then they might not have ANYONE on carts and it'll be horrible. But, I honestly only care if I'm on the clock. Otherwise, who the hell cares of a store is caught up on carts or not? Most people only care about their jobs because they're paid to.  I don't give a fuck how bakced up the parking lot is. Unless I'm on the clock.. even as a people greeter.. then it's one of the most important things ever! But only for 4 - 8 hours.

But anyway... I do have Nate fighting for me (he's awesome, lolz). He tried to show me some some techniques today and it was more obvious that I'm not cut out for this job. He thinks it's stupid they even considered me for this, but they didn't know how tiny I was and I didn't know that I wouldn't be able to do it... he would hate to see someone get fired in this dumb situation (like I said, he's awesome!). So.. yeah. I'll see what can be done.

I'm as good as fired.

I'm not angry, it's not their fault I couldn't keep up with the parking lot demand. I don't have weight to throw, and I think that's a big part of it, I'm hoping not though. I'm going to miss the nice people there. Oh well, back to the job search!