On my favorite blog the writer has a page he calls "The List". It's a list of all the dreams and desires in his life, of everything he wants to accomplish. I have heard of doing this before and I am incredibly bored so I'll make a list too. Then I can keep making lists and see how it evolves over time. I think I'll even come back and mark it off as complete or incomplete. Anyway, here are the things I would currently like to accomplish or acquire.
Finish Job Corps quickly
Get a job at Southlands
Learn to save money and not spend frivolously
Learn to keep track of my money
Get back into drawing
Find a career or job that I can do happily
Earn enough to move into the Southlands apartments and take care of Lacy
Own an electrical car
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Dear Jesus,
Sigh, as much as I don't want it to be true, break is quickly coming to a close. It wasn't long enough, Jesus. But then again who ever heard of a vacation lasting longer than 3 weeks? Still... I don't want to go back there with that terrible food and irritating staff. Those obnoxious students and my stupid ex. I don't want any of it. I could probably pay for online school, now that I have some discipline and work ethic, I could probably just slowly work on that while I get my old job back at Wal-mart. But there is a reason I will not do that. Why I am going to go back no matter how much I don't want too. I have never finished anything before. Nothing. I've copped out of things half way through and sometimes more than half way through. I never stuck to anything. I only have about 25% more to go and I am done. I can handle that.
As it turns out Jesus, 60 + 40 = 100 so I have 40% more to go NOT 25. That is just depressing. I got myself thinking I was so close but now I realize that I am just HORRIBLE at math. Oh well, I am getting better thanks to math class in education. I regret not doing that research paper over break, but oh well. I think I will just do it on unicorns, screw it. I don't really care, I just want to be done.
I'm sorry, those aren't very prayerful things to say. but I don't want to be "prayerful" with You I want to be honest. That is how I honestly feel. I know it probably says something in Your book about quality of work, but I don't care about my quality of work... A's are just way too easy.
Sigh... I don't know anymore, Jesus. It'll take me 7 or 8 weeks to complete trade, if Mr. Keller doesn't keep giving me 3% every week! There are tons of tars not signed off that I have done, why only 3%?? Sigh, it doesn't matter. then education will depend on me but I know I will finish it before trade, so... maybe I won't be there much longer after all. Then again, I think 7 or 8 weeks is only a month and a half, so somehow that thinking is probably horribly flawed. I just counted the days individually in a calender and I was right, it is only about a month and a half. I WISH I could be done in that time. But alas, I will not. Or maybe I will, wish You anything is possible. I just need 5% every week in trade and keep knocking out school assignments.
I am going to pray a few things right now, I don't know if they'll be in the proper order.. I know there is something about ACTS but I don't remember what it is... so I'll take my best guess.
Appreciation.
Thank you Jesus, for everything you've given me. I see girls all the time fighting with their families on the phone. I hear horror stories about their experiences growing up with druggie parents and what not. Thank you for my stable, supportive family. I could not make it in this world without them. Mom, daddy, Brian, Samantha, Brooke, Grandma... and all the ones I don't know who would be there for me if called upon (I know they're there). I don't know why I was spared the all too common tough beginning in this world.. maybe it happened by chance, maybe it didn't... either way it is something You have given to me and I will be forever grateful.
Concerns.
Jesus as I have mentioned earlier I am concerned for the future. I don't know what career is best for me, weather a career is right at all. I don't know if luxury apartments will do it for me or... I don't know what else I would want at this point, actually. And that is frustrating. Frustrating to not know this stuff. But I must be patient and stop making plans for myself. I must remember that I need to ask You first before I do anything. Because I know you will never lead me down the wrong path, or into something that won't ultimately be good for me. This is truly a case of 'Father knows best'.
T... uh... hm. I'll come back to T.
Sorry
Jesus, I have done many many things that give You every right to say 'forget this sinner! She's just too unworthy' or something like that. But you haven't done that... fornication after fornication I came to you in my time of need and you helped me. After I skipped church to hang out with this douche bag You helped me through everything. I could not have made it without you. If I didn't have you, I would still be in the depths of the valley in the shadow of death, but I fear no evil because Thou art with me. You didn't have to do that.. that's like reacting to someone throwing your shoes in a muddy pond by shining theirs. I know why You have done this... because You love me, and you want more than anything for me to turn to You. I am sorry I have not picked up that daily book, I'm sorry I haven't read a page more of the bible, I'm sorry I tend to block You out sometimes in favor of more "entertaining" things to think about, I'm sorry for the way I treat people some times and I'm especially sorry for the examples I have set for my little sister. I shouldn't have to joke about me being an example of what not to do, I should be showing her what is right through my life and my actions. I haven't done that, I've never done that. I'm sorry, I haven't been the best big sister. I haven't been the best daughter either. After everything mom has done for me and continues to do for me I give her nothing but a messy house and dirty dishes. This is why I like to write these things out that I want to say to You.. in my head I can banish it when I say things like that but once it's written it's written and there is no denying these horrible truths. I am sorry.
Back to T. hm... Treats!
Der Jesus, please make the bus ride back short and pleasant. Please allow me to have a calm, quiet bay and a nice bed that goes into the wall. Please allow me to cut down on my luggage and attachment to cloths so that I can be happy with just t-shirts and jeans. Help me to keep my leaderships and above all.. in the face of people I don't want to have to see.. keep me strong. Keep me feeling normal and calm. Allow me to enjoy dances and meals and everything else. Don't let the dark clouds of another human's actions over take my life. I want You to take hold of my life instead, no humans, You. You are the only force I want to be influenced by, especially at job crops. Help me to make friends and make better friends with my current friends,especially in the dorm. Make the time go by Lord, make the entire time and especially each day I am there just fly by like nothing.
Most of all, Jesus, help me to never forget that You are here and help me to enjoy the rest of Break!
Amen.
As it turns out Jesus, 60 + 40 = 100 so I have 40% more to go NOT 25. That is just depressing. I got myself thinking I was so close but now I realize that I am just HORRIBLE at math. Oh well, I am getting better thanks to math class in education. I regret not doing that research paper over break, but oh well. I think I will just do it on unicorns, screw it. I don't really care, I just want to be done.
I'm sorry, those aren't very prayerful things to say. but I don't want to be "prayerful" with You I want to be honest. That is how I honestly feel. I know it probably says something in Your book about quality of work, but I don't care about my quality of work... A's are just way too easy.
Sigh... I don't know anymore, Jesus. It'll take me 7 or 8 weeks to complete trade, if Mr. Keller doesn't keep giving me 3% every week! There are tons of tars not signed off that I have done, why only 3%?? Sigh, it doesn't matter. then education will depend on me but I know I will finish it before trade, so... maybe I won't be there much longer after all. Then again, I think 7 or 8 weeks is only a month and a half, so somehow that thinking is probably horribly flawed. I just counted the days individually in a calender and I was right, it is only about a month and a half. I WISH I could be done in that time. But alas, I will not. Or maybe I will, wish You anything is possible. I just need 5% every week in trade and keep knocking out school assignments.
I am going to pray a few things right now, I don't know if they'll be in the proper order.. I know there is something about ACTS but I don't remember what it is... so I'll take my best guess.
Appreciation.
Thank you Jesus, for everything you've given me. I see girls all the time fighting with their families on the phone. I hear horror stories about their experiences growing up with druggie parents and what not. Thank you for my stable, supportive family. I could not make it in this world without them. Mom, daddy, Brian, Samantha, Brooke, Grandma... and all the ones I don't know who would be there for me if called upon (I know they're there). I don't know why I was spared the all too common tough beginning in this world.. maybe it happened by chance, maybe it didn't... either way it is something You have given to me and I will be forever grateful.
Concerns.
Jesus as I have mentioned earlier I am concerned for the future. I don't know what career is best for me, weather a career is right at all. I don't know if luxury apartments will do it for me or... I don't know what else I would want at this point, actually. And that is frustrating. Frustrating to not know this stuff. But I must be patient and stop making plans for myself. I must remember that I need to ask You first before I do anything. Because I know you will never lead me down the wrong path, or into something that won't ultimately be good for me. This is truly a case of 'Father knows best'.
T... uh... hm. I'll come back to T.
Sorry
Jesus, I have done many many things that give You every right to say 'forget this sinner! She's just too unworthy' or something like that. But you haven't done that... fornication after fornication I came to you in my time of need and you helped me. After I skipped church to hang out with this douche bag You helped me through everything. I could not have made it without you. If I didn't have you, I would still be in the depths of the valley in the shadow of death, but I fear no evil because Thou art with me. You didn't have to do that.. that's like reacting to someone throwing your shoes in a muddy pond by shining theirs. I know why You have done this... because You love me, and you want more than anything for me to turn to You. I am sorry I have not picked up that daily book, I'm sorry I haven't read a page more of the bible, I'm sorry I tend to block You out sometimes in favor of more "entertaining" things to think about, I'm sorry for the way I treat people some times and I'm especially sorry for the examples I have set for my little sister. I shouldn't have to joke about me being an example of what not to do, I should be showing her what is right through my life and my actions. I haven't done that, I've never done that. I'm sorry, I haven't been the best big sister. I haven't been the best daughter either. After everything mom has done for me and continues to do for me I give her nothing but a messy house and dirty dishes. This is why I like to write these things out that I want to say to You.. in my head I can banish it when I say things like that but once it's written it's written and there is no denying these horrible truths. I am sorry.
Back to T. hm... Treats!
Der Jesus, please make the bus ride back short and pleasant. Please allow me to have a calm, quiet bay and a nice bed that goes into the wall. Please allow me to cut down on my luggage and attachment to cloths so that I can be happy with just t-shirts and jeans. Help me to keep my leaderships and above all.. in the face of people I don't want to have to see.. keep me strong. Keep me feeling normal and calm. Allow me to enjoy dances and meals and everything else. Don't let the dark clouds of another human's actions over take my life. I want You to take hold of my life instead, no humans, You. You are the only force I want to be influenced by, especially at job crops. Help me to make friends and make better friends with my current friends,especially in the dorm. Make the time go by Lord, make the entire time and especially each day I am there just fly by like nothing.
Most of all, Jesus, help me to never forget that You are here and help me to enjoy the rest of Break!
Amen.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
The Ideal Life (part 2)
I think this is going to become a series. Because my idea of 'the ideal life' changes as time goes on. Last time I for reasons I cannot fathom thought it would be cool to have a vegetable stand, or something. Now a days, my vision is a bit different.
So I am close to finishing job corps and soon I will be thinking about moving out. Problem is, I do not want to even consider living in the cheapie apartments most people usually live in when they first move out, because they are located in the city, and in the ghettos. I don't even like passing through areas like that, I could never live there. This is why I want to live in the Broadstone Southlands Apartments. However, the cost of a one bedroom is as much as Megan's house rent, which 4 or 5 people contribute to paying.
As you can see, it may take a few years to be able to afford a place like that on my own. I really really think I would enjoy living there, then again, who wouldn't? Look at that place! but I wanted to live there even after I realized it was more than just apartments (I didn't know about the swimming pool).
I think Lacy and I would be very happy there. And one of the best parts? I wouldn't need a car! Ever! Seriously, Southalnds Mall is right across the street. All the jobs and shopping I could ever need is within walking distance. Plus mom and daddy drive by there on their way to church, so they could pick me up every Sunday. However, they are planning on moving to Heather Gardens soon, but that's what carpooling is for.
Going back to the jobs thing... I wouldn't even need those jobs across the street, because I would be working from home! That's right. I was thinking maybe online english teacher or something like that. Data entry person? I don't know, I don't care as long as I can stay in my pajamas. Then I wouldn't ever have to leave home or deal with people, it would be heaven on Earth!
That's it. No dogs, no gardens, no car. Of course I would get a car as soon as I could afford one. It would be one of those electric ones.
After being able to afford it, this would be my car. I'll save $300 a month from using electric instead of gas (according to the showman at the mall, lolz)
So I am close to finishing job corps and soon I will be thinking about moving out. Problem is, I do not want to even consider living in the cheapie apartments most people usually live in when they first move out, because they are located in the city, and in the ghettos. I don't even like passing through areas like that, I could never live there. This is why I want to live in the Broadstone Southlands Apartments. However, the cost of a one bedroom is as much as Megan's house rent, which 4 or 5 people contribute to paying.
As you can see, it may take a few years to be able to afford a place like that on my own. I really really think I would enjoy living there, then again, who wouldn't? Look at that place! but I wanted to live there even after I realized it was more than just apartments (I didn't know about the swimming pool).
I think Lacy and I would be very happy there. And one of the best parts? I wouldn't need a car! Ever! Seriously, Southalnds Mall is right across the street. All the jobs and shopping I could ever need is within walking distance. Plus mom and daddy drive by there on their way to church, so they could pick me up every Sunday. However, they are planning on moving to Heather Gardens soon, but that's what carpooling is for.
Going back to the jobs thing... I wouldn't even need those jobs across the street, because I would be working from home! That's right. I was thinking maybe online english teacher or something like that. Data entry person? I don't know, I don't care as long as I can stay in my pajamas. Then I wouldn't ever have to leave home or deal with people, it would be heaven on Earth!
That's it. No dogs, no gardens, no car. Of course I would get a car as soon as I could afford one. It would be one of those electric ones.
After being able to afford it, this would be my car. I'll save $300 a month from using electric instead of gas (according to the showman at the mall, lolz)
(gm volt)
That's pretty much it. Electric car, work from home, luxury apartment, no kids, roommates or husbands... just me, Lacy and the Good Lord livin the good life.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Reaction: Reading My Old Posts
I am mortified.
I truly have treated it like a diary I no one will ever see. the problem with that is this place is public. I suppose I could turn it private, but there is something satisfying about just putting everything out there, you know? I know no one reads this... but I actually have had random people find this place and it feels better knowing that someone could read this. Wow, maybe I'm just very lonely. Most of my old friends are falling by the way side (probably to be expected at this stage in life) and I am finding that I even have trouble making friends in second life of all places. If I'm having trouble making friends online, there is wrong.
Anyway, I am off track.
I decided to check out some of my old posts and I am mortified by what I have found. Maybe I don't want to know my stages of change... it's embarrassing... I'm sure I'll find something embarrassing a year from this post now too. I used to worry about such stupid things. I read something about deep physiological problems preventing me from accomplishing anything... don't remember what that's all about, I thought I was just lazy. I've actually had to delete a few posts in case someone does actually come here!
I feel like I used to worry about such stupid things as I mentioned... I feel now like I have real problems and before I simply couldn't appreciate what I had. There is little doubt that another future me will look back on that future me and think the same thing, and so on. I'm pretty sure there is no end to it. People are always changing, I am no exception. So my ideas of right and wrong, important and unimportant, will never be the same.
I truly have treated it like a diary I no one will ever see. the problem with that is this place is public. I suppose I could turn it private, but there is something satisfying about just putting everything out there, you know? I know no one reads this... but I actually have had random people find this place and it feels better knowing that someone could read this. Wow, maybe I'm just very lonely. Most of my old friends are falling by the way side (probably to be expected at this stage in life) and I am finding that I even have trouble making friends in second life of all places. If I'm having trouble making friends online, there is wrong.
Anyway, I am off track.
I decided to check out some of my old posts and I am mortified by what I have found. Maybe I don't want to know my stages of change... it's embarrassing... I'm sure I'll find something embarrassing a year from this post now too. I used to worry about such stupid things. I read something about deep physiological problems preventing me from accomplishing anything... don't remember what that's all about, I thought I was just lazy. I've actually had to delete a few posts in case someone does actually come here!
I feel like I used to worry about such stupid things as I mentioned... I feel now like I have real problems and before I simply couldn't appreciate what I had. There is little doubt that another future me will look back on that future me and think the same thing, and so on. I'm pretty sure there is no end to it. People are always changing, I am no exception. So my ideas of right and wrong, important and unimportant, will never be the same.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
I'm turning into a fine, young jaded adult
I pretty much have moved on from everything. It happened almost instantly. One moment I was horribly depressed like I had been for the last month and then it all hit me... I realized that I simply don't give that much of a fuck. I don't give a fuck that I was a bitch (though I have learned that that is still not a good way to go about things, not just from this situation but several combined, and I will work to correct it in the future), I don't give a fuck that I am in the same position I was before, which isn't a bad one. Besides, a penis doesn't make you a man when you believe the same things little girls do. And I am not a lesbian.
The future probably holds a bunch more crap to help me further conclude that I don't give a fuck.
The future probably holds a bunch more crap to help me further conclude that I don't give a fuck.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
This is the night... (part 2)
This is the night after the picnic.
It went great! I got to see Brian. Chris and I went to the Aurora Mall and the Aurora Library. We didn't spend too long in either of those places... I was worn out since all I do is sit around. But I enjoyed it! The nightmarish vision of the drive was nothing like the reality. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. In fact I've been on roads like that many times, I don't really know what I thought it was going to be, and maybe that's the part that scared me.
That's about all that happened.
It went great! I got to see Brian. Chris and I went to the Aurora Mall and the Aurora Library. We didn't spend too long in either of those places... I was worn out since all I do is sit around. But I enjoyed it! The nightmarish vision of the drive was nothing like the reality. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. In fact I've been on roads like that many times, I don't really know what I thought it was going to be, and maybe that's the part that scared me.
That's about all that happened.
This is the night
This is the night before the picnic.
I am going up to Thornton tomorrow and Broomfield to visit a friend. I am also hopefully going to see my brother while I'm there. I've spent this night preparing a picnic of strawberry cream cheese sandwiches (strawberry slices with a mixture of cream cheese, honey, and orange zest on whole wheat bread), roast beef wraps (bean sprouts with homemade organic Italian dressing and carrots wrapped in a slice of roast beef) with cucumbers on the side and snickerdoodles for desert. I am also bringing lemonade, it might take 2 coolers!
Even with all of this going on it is hard to keep the depression at bay. But I don't want to talk about it right now. I just want to have a good time tomorrow.
My friend says he's not going to eat, I hope he does or I will be sad and slightly offended. He is having a bad night because the guys brought home girls and yeah... anyway, I really hope I can cheer him up tomorrow. I am getting him out of the house and treating him to a nice picnic, he better feel a little bit better!
Anyway, that is all that's happening tonight. I am really excited for tomorrow but a little bit scared of the drive. Oh well, I will live.
Good night!
I am going up to Thornton tomorrow and Broomfield to visit a friend. I am also hopefully going to see my brother while I'm there. I've spent this night preparing a picnic of strawberry cream cheese sandwiches (strawberry slices with a mixture of cream cheese, honey, and orange zest on whole wheat bread), roast beef wraps (bean sprouts with homemade organic Italian dressing and carrots wrapped in a slice of roast beef) with cucumbers on the side and snickerdoodles for desert. I am also bringing lemonade, it might take 2 coolers!
Even with all of this going on it is hard to keep the depression at bay. But I don't want to talk about it right now. I just want to have a good time tomorrow.
My friend says he's not going to eat, I hope he does or I will be sad and slightly offended. He is having a bad night because the guys brought home girls and yeah... anyway, I really hope I can cheer him up tomorrow. I am getting him out of the house and treating him to a nice picnic, he better feel a little bit better!
Anyway, that is all that's happening tonight. I am really excited for tomorrow but a little bit scared of the drive. Oh well, I will live.
Good night!
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Dear Jesus,
I think the only way all of this reading will be me any good is if You keep me aware. I have been reading the teachings of the Buddhist religion because they are extremely similar to the Bible and have some different methodologies that I think will benefit me. Anyway, I have been reading things like this for years now. Raptitude, Cracked, Mathew Kelly, along with other random things... however with all my time invested I can't tell that it's done me any good.
I think I can see now that the one component I was missing was You... even when the texts were catholic based. I forgot that all things are done through You, and so I am here now asking you to please help a stray sheep. I actually don't like the sheep thing, I'm going to go with zebra. All alone out there in the African wilds... no heard to blend in with. It knows how to survive, but it is still pray to every lion and predator who sees it. I have knowledge, at least I know I have some, yet it has not helped me.
This is why I see now how much I need You. I need You to keep me mindful of everything I do, of their consequences. However, there have been times where You did, and I blatantly ignored it. I knew Jesus I KNEW and yet I did it anyway. And the reason for that is a weak relationship with You... the more I try to just improve my life with all of this studying, the more things aren't going to change. You are the only way in which change can be brought about. That is why I am asking you to intervene, why I'm inviting You into my life. I will always be an angry lusty creature. Gluttonous and greedy. I am the seven deadly sins all rolled into one. That will never change, unless You change it.
I can't do it. No matter how much knowledge I acquire, it's just not happening, not without You. Through You all things are possible, as unbelievable as it is, even me over coming these things. I'm not sure if I want to achieve what the Buddhists call "nirvana", they don't get upset about things but they don't take joy in things either... kinda weird.
I, now, simply want to do whatever You tell me. I will not make another move unless You give me the green light. I trusted You about Country Jam, and You were right. But I digress...
Jesus, I have so much hatred and anger. I don't know how to get rid of it. I feel trapped by it. It's caused people to become angry and hateful toward me. I don't want to be like that. Help clear my head of the thoughts that harbor hatred... or whatever it is that needs to be done... I don't want to be a hateful person. I don't want to be a person who angrily demands anything from others. And I don't want to be arrogant and try to preach these things I am reading to those who do not want to listen. For all I know, I am dead wrong. If the writer is wrong, then I will be.
Help me to not jump on people arrogantly. Help me to stay humble.
I know You will answer these prayers and more. I have not a doubt in my head, and if I do, I know you will eradicate it along with everything else. I love You. Amen.
I think I can see now that the one component I was missing was You... even when the texts were catholic based. I forgot that all things are done through You, and so I am here now asking you to please help a stray sheep. I actually don't like the sheep thing, I'm going to go with zebra. All alone out there in the African wilds... no heard to blend in with. It knows how to survive, but it is still pray to every lion and predator who sees it. I have knowledge, at least I know I have some, yet it has not helped me.
This is why I see now how much I need You. I need You to keep me mindful of everything I do, of their consequences. However, there have been times where You did, and I blatantly ignored it. I knew Jesus I KNEW and yet I did it anyway. And the reason for that is a weak relationship with You... the more I try to just improve my life with all of this studying, the more things aren't going to change. You are the only way in which change can be brought about. That is why I am asking you to intervene, why I'm inviting You into my life. I will always be an angry lusty creature. Gluttonous and greedy. I am the seven deadly sins all rolled into one. That will never change, unless You change it.
I can't do it. No matter how much knowledge I acquire, it's just not happening, not without You. Through You all things are possible, as unbelievable as it is, even me over coming these things. I'm not sure if I want to achieve what the Buddhists call "nirvana", they don't get upset about things but they don't take joy in things either... kinda weird.
I, now, simply want to do whatever You tell me. I will not make another move unless You give me the green light. I trusted You about Country Jam, and You were right. But I digress...
Jesus, I have so much hatred and anger. I don't know how to get rid of it. I feel trapped by it. It's caused people to become angry and hateful toward me. I don't want to be like that. Help clear my head of the thoughts that harbor hatred... or whatever it is that needs to be done... I don't want to be a hateful person. I don't want to be a person who angrily demands anything from others. And I don't want to be arrogant and try to preach these things I am reading to those who do not want to listen. For all I know, I am dead wrong. If the writer is wrong, then I will be.
Help me to not jump on people arrogantly. Help me to stay humble.
I know You will answer these prayers and more. I have not a doubt in my head, and if I do, I know you will eradicate it along with everything else. I love You. Amen.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Wow.
This is been FOR FUCKING EVER. But I am proud of myself for not giving up on a blog! I have started several and I'm so happy that I was able to come back to this one. There will probably be gaps. Especially while I'm still at job corps. I can't blog there =( Oh well. I'm not going to make this a long one. I am just happy that I am back and willing to blog agian =) I left in Oct so it's not like I was sitting around ignoring it for too long >.>
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