Dear Jesus,

Sigh, as much as I don't want it to be true, break is quickly coming to a close. It wasn't long enough, Jesus. But then again who ever heard of a vacation lasting longer than 3 weeks? Still... I don't want to go back there with that terrible food and irritating staff. Those obnoxious students and my stupid ex. I don't want any of it. I could probably pay for online school, now that I have some discipline and work ethic, I could probably just slowly work on that while I get my old job back at Wal-mart. But there is a reason I will not do that. Why I am going to go back no matter how much I don't want too. I have never finished anything before. Nothing. I've copped out of things half way through and sometimes more than half way through. I never stuck to anything. I only have about 25% more to go and I am done. I can handle that.

As it turns out Jesus, 60 + 40 = 100 so I have 40% more to go NOT 25. That is just depressing. I got myself thinking I was so close but now I realize that I am just HORRIBLE at math. Oh well, I am getting better thanks to math class in education. I regret not doing that research paper over break, but oh well. I think I will just do it on unicorns, screw it. I don't really care, I just want to be done.

I'm sorry, those aren't very prayerful things to say. but I don't want to be "prayerful" with You I want to be honest. That is how I honestly feel. I know it probably says something in Your book about quality of work, but I don't care about my quality of work... A's are just way too easy.

Sigh... I don't know anymore, Jesus. It'll take me 7 or 8 weeks to complete trade, if Mr. Keller doesn't keep giving me 3% every week! There are tons of tars not signed off that I have done, why only 3%?? Sigh, it doesn't matter. then education will depend on me but I know I will finish it before trade, so... maybe I won't be there much longer after all. Then again, I think 7 or 8 weeks is only a month and a half, so somehow that thinking is probably horribly flawed. I just counted the days individually in a calender and I was right, it is only about a month and a half. I WISH I could be done in that time. But alas, I will not. Or maybe I will, wish You anything is possible. I just need 5% every week in trade and keep knocking out school assignments.


I am going to pray a few things right now, I don't know if they'll be in the proper order.. I know there is something about ACTS but I don't remember what it is... so I'll take my best guess.

Appreciation.

Thank you Jesus, for everything you've given me. I see girls all the time fighting with their families on the phone. I hear horror stories about their experiences growing up with druggie parents and what not. Thank you for my stable, supportive family. I could not make it in this world without them. Mom, daddy, Brian, Samantha, Brooke, Grandma... and all the ones I don't know who would be there for me if called upon (I know they're there). I don't know why I was spared the all too common tough beginning in this world.. maybe it happened by chance, maybe it didn't... either way it is something You have given to me and I will be forever grateful.

Concerns.

Jesus as I have mentioned earlier I am concerned for the future. I don't know what career is best for me, weather a career is right at all. I don't know if luxury apartments will do it for me or... I don't know what else I would want at this point, actually. And that is frustrating. Frustrating to not know this stuff. But I must be patient and stop making plans for myself. I must remember that I need to ask You first before I do anything. Because I know you will never lead me down the wrong path, or into something that won't ultimately be good for me. This is truly a case of 'Father knows best'.

T... uh... hm. I'll come back to T.

Sorry

Jesus, I have done many many things that give You every right to say 'forget this sinner! She's just too unworthy' or something like that. But you haven't done that... fornication after fornication I came to you in my time of need and you helped me. After I skipped church to hang out with this douche bag You helped me through everything. I could not have made it without you. If I didn't have you, I would still be in the depths of the valley in the shadow of death, but I fear no evil because Thou art with me. You didn't have to do that.. that's like reacting to someone throwing your shoes in a muddy pond by shining theirs. I know why You have done this... because You love me, and you want more than anything for me to turn to You. I am sorry I have not picked up that daily book, I'm sorry I haven't read a page more of the bible, I'm sorry I tend to block You out sometimes in favor of more "entertaining" things to think about, I'm sorry for the way I treat people some times and I'm especially sorry for the examples I have set for my little sister. I shouldn't have to joke about me being an example of what not to do, I should be showing her what is right through my life and my actions. I haven't done that, I've never done that. I'm sorry, I haven't been the best big sister. I haven't been the best daughter either. After everything mom has done for me and continues to do for me I give her nothing but a messy house and dirty dishes. This is why I like to write these things out that I want to say to You.. in my head I can banish it when I say things like that but once it's written it's written and there is no denying these horrible truths. I am sorry.

Back to T. hm... Treats!

Der Jesus, please make the bus ride back short and pleasant. Please allow me to have a calm, quiet bay and a nice bed that goes into the wall. Please allow me to cut down on my luggage and attachment to cloths so that I can be happy with just t-shirts and jeans. Help me to keep my leaderships and above all.. in the face of people I don't want to have to see.. keep me strong. Keep me feeling normal and calm. Allow me to enjoy dances and meals and everything else. Don't let the dark clouds of another human's actions over take my life. I want You to take hold of my life instead, no humans, You. You are the only force I want to be influenced by, especially at job crops. Help me to make friends and make better friends with my current friends,especially in the dorm. Make the time go by Lord, make the entire time and especially each day I am there just fly by like nothing.

Most of all, Jesus, help me to never forget that You are here and help me to enjoy the rest of Break!

Amen.