Heart racing, breathing fast, unable to sit still for very long...
I have to go into work tomorrow at 7 am and I just know that if I don't relax then I literally will not sleep. With my luck, June will be there. Joni said she was, and I quote, "a really nice lady" but I couldn't disagree more. I'm sure she's a perfectly fine person, but as a boss not so much. The tone of 'you should already know this you fucking moron' in her voice is a little put-offish. And I don't know if she just doesn't like her butt or what but she power walks EVERYWHERE even if she's on her day off and it's a little scary. Joni said "well, she's very busy" but none of the other css's have to do that all the time. She's just really intimidating. Once, I sent a customer after her because she knows just about everything about Walmart (or at least she thinks she does) and the customer just didn't have the power walking experience so couldn't keep up. So, despite my better judgment I said "June, you have a customer after you" and she whipping around as if I had said "June, your daughter is bleeding to death on the ground behind you." I've met her daughter, and let me tell you I thought I had a baby face. She looks like she's in high school but she's in her 20s apparently. Maybe I do have that bad a baby face because everyone thinks I'm 15. She seems nice though.
Mom asked what Matt and I were doing in my room with the door closed when she got home tonight. Of course, we were doing what you'd think two nineteen year olds would be doing, but it's started the freak out tonight. The other part is having to get up so early and I haven't been the greatest on my sleeping. Oh well, I'm sure with a little coffee, a bit of will power but probably mostly fear of June, I'll get through people greeting without being horrible at it (e.i. by sitting down).
While we're on Walmart gossip, I might as well tell myself about the rest of it. I've heard that sometimes work places just have HORRIBLE people. When Tayler was working as a life guard at some amusement park, she described the most obnoxious bunch of.. just mean people ever and I felt for her for having to go and put up with that all summer. But at my workplace most everyone is really nice. All the managers are well liked by everyone. The only one who isn't is Kevin, the guy who owns the entire store because of... well, my only reason that he's my least favorite is because he doesn't like employees to use carts on the job if they need to (I do for returns) which is just plane silly. Trust me Kevin, the customers are WAY to absorbed in their own little world to notice what us navy and kacky drones are up to. In fact, when I'm just shopping at a store, I don't even see any employees unless I'm looking for one. While I'm working, I see them around the store more than customers sometimes. Otherwise, it's like they're not even there, seriously. I'm to wrapped up in my shopping and whatever to care about the poor suckers on their 9 to 5.
AS much as I love to gossip about my bosses and co-workers, I do feel the urge to, random as it may be, type this:
1...
2...
3...
4... o'clock
5...
6...
6..15 awake, or did I even sleep at all...
Is this really what's bothering me? Was it the fact that mom walked in the house when Matt and I were gettin' it on and asked about it right before she went to bed then I said "oh, we were just hangin' out" and if I'm asked why the door was closed, I'll say force of habit which I know will work, but still. What's bothering me about it? Is it the fact that we were SO CLOSE to getting busted? Is it deep feelings of fear of getting pregnant at this most embarrassing time in life to do so? Am I afraid of then knowing I'm sexually active? Why is that scary? Maybe them finding out in a certain way is what's scary. Or... I don't know. David said something about only being afraid of a feeling, and I think that applies here. I'm afraid of feeling tired so I freak out and make that very thing happen. It's SO STUPID. The only thing creating the problem is fear of the problem. That's it. Nothing else ever keeps me awake at night like this. It's only when I know I have to get up in the morning. What if I don't sleep and end up suffering all day? Well, I WOULD sleep if there was no fear of not sleeping. If I wasn't afraid of it, it wouldn't happen. Only the fear makes it happen. Fear is the only reason it comes true. That may sound ridiculous but I'm not saying it applies to everything, just this problem. I've tried baths, soothing music, hot vanilla, no caffeine near bed, medication, and meditation. And all those things help, but I think the only way to defuse this problem once and for all is to get on a freaking sleep schedule already. I want to be up in the day but I've been nocturnal and even proud to say I was nocturnal for years. And when it comes to making a change for the better in my life it never lasts. Always slipping away with a mixture of the deep physiological issues that cause procrastination, and just plain laziness. I did manage to stop biting my nails and start washing my hands after I use the restroom (I know but I was never taught, and mom STILL doesn't do it!!)
I'm wondering if it's the fact mom said something about us today or if that just got the ball rolling for this actual fear of not sleeping and suffering the next day. I just tried to write about the math. The number of hours I'll be awake if I don't sleep. It ended up terrifying me. I erased it, hoping at least not having a visual will help. I don't think I have a lot to worry about though. I've been doing pretty OK with sleeping (mostly thanks to having to work when I would normally not help but have to take a nap at home) and I'm only a people greeter so it's not like I'll be doing the physical labor of cart pushing. And it'll help tremendously with my sleeping schedule anyway. There are so many good things, and they really do out weight the bad. Like, being tired the next day isn't as bad as help getting a normal schedule is good. Because that's just a few hours, this is probably most of the rest of my life. It's actually quite a small price. Also, it's weird. Whenever I don't want to sleep (like take a nap in the middle of the day or for whatever reason not go to bed quite this early) it is SO HARD to stay awake, even if I've not been up for 16 hours yet. Sometimes if I've only been up 10, or less! Which is ridiculous.
So sleeping is, above all, mental. If you're mentally sick enough, you could probably not sleep until it killed you. And if you have an inhuman amount of mental control, you could fall asleep at will. It's all in your mind.. sleeping is all in the mind.. it's all about the mind, and it's specifically for the mind. The rest of your body, I imagine, benefits from more than anything the lack of use. But the mind... I don't know. The conscious and subconscious are really bad at communication and may not even talk at all. It's up to the conscious to show the subconscious what to do like you would train an animal. This is part of that training. My subconscious is a wild animal that I must put a tight leash around, less it reek havoc and bring misery everywhere it goes.
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