I am not helping the 'typical women' stereo type...

So, we've always joked that I'm bad at being a stereo type. Not that great at cooking and lazy with cleaning. Oh and bad at laundry, that too lolz. (I'm also not very good with kids =P). I also really like weapons like awesome swords and also trucks with big ass wheels are just the best. I've always wanted to go to a monster truck show that would be sweet. I also like my porn all kinky like with  the same gender and especially with a virgin...

But, as far as being fickle, emotional, and confusing, well I'm all of those! (And forget about the shop-a-holic part!). Allow me to, elaborate (I am so happy I can remember that word now! :D):

Matthew, I don't want to kiss within 2 or 3 dates I've been there and it didn't go well, I won't do it.

Matthew, we shouldn't talk to much it's bad.

Matthew, don't talk about moving in together it's been 2 months and we've known each other for 3.

Matthew, this thing you do annoys me please stop.

Those are all blunt things and I said them and handled them a little better than that, but you get the idea. I turned around and did all of those things. There are a few things that annoy me so much! But yet I do them. I think it's me seeing what I hate about myself. Not that those are bad things! Giggling all the time, saying 'awwou' every time I say that something in life isn't exactly the way I'd want it to be and explaining that I don't have to apologize casually 15 times a day even though it's a completely normal thing that every human on the planet does I don't know why when I do it it's such a bad thing! OK, I don't do that but the rest I do and I shouldn't ask him not to since he's not the problem I am. He's such an amazing guy, I don't have the right to be as annoyed as I am a lot with him. Because like I said, it's not him. It's me. If I don't like how much of a pervert I am or whatever (even though it's totally FUN to be a perv! (as long as there are no victims ^_^;;)). Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to get at is most every time you point your finger you have 3 pointing back. And if I want to fix the problem I shouldn't tell Matthew to do anything or stop, I should do something. Because that's where the actual problem lays. Oh man, I'm making it sound like he has a bunch of bad qualities... um, not at all what I'm driving at this was suppose to demonize me and... angalize(?) him. Well, he should be... angalized OK I need a word that means to glorify! ..Oh... that works! :D He SHOULD be glorified because honestly, he's an all around better person. He's in college, he's well, 10 times smarter! Harder working, and actually has a TALENT. I wish I had a talent... I'm pretty good at shopping! :D Oh wait, that's bad. Um... I'm addicted to coffee! Wait what? Ok, never mind. It's almost 2 am I am so MAD at myself! And I just realised that A.M. and am are the same freaking letters! For a few reasons I know he's got more self control than I do. He's more rational, and everything. I don't deserve him, and he didn't do anything bad enough to deserve me. Oh, I just realised that low self esteem is a really unattractive quality... *throws arms up* I give up!

This is another thing I really like having this blog... it gets me to the root of the problem. It let's me know how I actually feel. I thought this was going to be about how I'm just another fickle female but it's turned out to be about some deep rooted self loathing. It's just, every time I think something good about myself it turns out to be false! EVERY FUCKING TIME. I thought I was good at accents, turns out I'm not. I thought I was getting more self esteem, turns out I was just gaining pride (no those are NOT the same thing), I thought I was a pretty fast runner at one point turns out I was the slowest kid at church, I thought I had a really great body, like, really great but then I saw that one of my sides is almost flat and my boobs are pretty small for my age and turns out also being toned is pretty much a must with a really really great body, I think I can do it, or I think I will do it, weather I'm being accountable to myself or others, I let them down. Or I'll let myself down. I thought I was reliable but in actuality my word means NOTHING. Squat, zip, zilch. If I make a promise, don't cross your fingers. I thought I was normal height turns out I'm actually pretty short. I thought I was good at drawing at one point then I started noticing that hay, the only thing anyone can ever say about my drawings is "eh, better than I can do." Really? That's suppose to be a compliment? You think anyone who goes to the Sistine Chapel looks up and says eh better than I can do? I'm not saying I'd ever hope to be as good as that! But... I'd like to be a little better than just they can do. And no, practising for a long long time won't solve the problem because I'll be freaking 30 by the time I'm better than just they can do and who the hell gives a crap if an adult can draw? So what? They've had years and years to practice it's really nothing that great compared to a teenager who can draw really really well better than just they can do in fact! I didn't really enjoy drawing. It wasn't for me, it was for others. It was the impress others. It was also to impress myself, but if I could do anything in the world as long as I didn't tell anybody, I'm not sure I would pick drawing as one of them. Nope, it's for other people. Although this is a bit of a relief realising that since every time I tried to draw I would get so MAD at myself if it didn't turn out just right. Which at my horrible non-existent skill level they never, ever did. I've stopped drawing, I know I've said this a million times only to start again at some point I am fucking serious. It's not for me, it's for other people. I would love it if I could do that, but if it's only a show to put on for the masses, why the hell bother? I'm worse now than I was at 14 I may have had potential at one point but it's gone now, and it's not coming back. That pisses me the hell off but I'm to lazy and uncaring to do anything about it. Oh, here's the latest one, I don't know if I've said this already but what I thought was gaining more self esteem turned out to be pride. So I thought "Hey! I'm not such a self hating bitch like I used to be!" Now it turns out I'm a PRIDEFUL  self hating bitch. Oh yeah, here's one I know I haven't said. I thought I was a good friend. I thought even with all the horrible horror that is me, at least I'm a good friend! Did you all read my Tayler entries? Case rested. Most of that is my fucking pride taking over because I didn't want to take responsibility for the fact that I'm stupid because I have pride overflowing from my soul, if I even have one left. Think about it, I'm perfectly fine with killing baby bunnies! They freaking eat our garden why should I care if they die? Fuck baby bunnies. I'll feed their little asses to my cats. I'm probably just pointing my hideous finger at bunnies now while there are 3 pointing back at me, and it really has nothing to do with bunnies and all the I get the fun of all the wonderful flaws, as always. Girls who have low self esteem can never keep a man long, I'm sure if I don't get this self hatred taken care of Matt'll probably leave me for it at some point, even if he doesn't think he will now. All the confidence I thought I was gaining, turned out to be pride. So now I'm totally scared of everything I was scared of before, because I don't have the pride to pretend it doesn't bother me any more. I was getting to be more social, but it's probably best if I just leave people alone less they get hurt. Because if you're friends with me you WILL be hurt at some point. Tayler had to learn that the hard way. That's one reason I'd rather just not have contact with her any more. It's not that I dislike her it's that I know she'll get hurt again. And my #1 priority with her has been no pain for as long as I've known her, and if the threat is coming from me this time well, I'll get rid of it. Like I did any other threat I saw that I could do something about. I kept saying she hurt me, but it's probably just that she hurt my newly found buckets of pride.

I love this blog, it's totally me!

I know I JUST made a blog post but as you know by now I love getting my emotions out in words and something just struck me as I looked through my short time on here. Everything is totally me. The good, the bad, the ugly and even the uglier than that. All the typos, forgotten words, probably bad grammar, all of it. My thoughts and feelings in their full, unedited glory. I would go back and fix mistakes, but I want to see how much better I get as time goes by. I looked up an old account on Help that I forgot ever existed and man, it was AWFUL. Text typing and uh! Back then I didn't give a crap I probably thought it was cool, but now it makes me cringe! I see spelling and grammar as an art form now and although I'm no Michaelangelo, but I do my best to make each post a master piece of perfection (which they are far from, lolz). But yeah my other blog on Tumblr, that was mostly for the readers. And I had some. But it was very unsatisfying and I found myself bored and 'pent up' by it. With this, I am totally free to talk about ANYTHING. I don't care if I ever get readers (though that would be cool) just knowing that my thoughts and feelings are out there in cyber space for anybody in the world to read instead of kept secret in a locked up book or heart, just lifts so much weight off my shoulders. I've talked about before how doing the typical childish things to get out your emotions (crying, screaming) just doesn't do it for me. I don't have the ability or patience for drawing and painting (though I wish with all my heart that I did) so I can't get my feelings out that way. But, I talked about how important writing is to me before. This post is more about the blog itself and me. I'm not going to lie it's one of my pitfalls and I think it's everyone's pitfall, I love talking about me! Especially when I'm bored. So, here goes. ~self indulgence time~

Oh yeah, this pitfall will be useful in the future when I go back and look at how I've changed. Here are some pictures and things. It's stuff that makes me angry, sad, happy, horny all of it! I mean, not EVERYTHING that would be to many pictures, just, one thing from each category. ^_^

Happy! =)

Kitties! (Big or small, hair or bald, I love kitties of all kinds!)

Sad :(

If people would only each try to reach their full potential, and practice what just about every religion and philosophy has said, then the world would improve 10 fold! But they don't. They live their mediocre lives barely able to see beyond their own nose. 

Horny! :D

Pissed! )=(

(to clarify, I agree with this sticker)

I know there must be more emotions, but I can't really think of any! Maybe emotions are like colors, you have your primary and the ones you get when you mix the primary.

My future cat is in the living room.

So by now it's pretty obvious I want lots of my own pets someday. Well, what better time to start then now! I would like you all to meet Lacy. My new little black and white short hair female 8 month old kitten.

Right now I literally have about $0.00 to my name. This happened because for some reason it takes over a week for some transactions to pend, so I thought I had more money than I did. Actually, I think I'll go check on that now...

Phew! All that's left to pend is a couple Subway things, not a big deal! So I actually have a little over $100. Thing is, I looked at how much I've spent since January of this year and it's over $700! Even though some of it was necessary (certain over the counter meds, lunch, Lacy...) most of it was probably not... being a 19 year old girl one of my weaknesses is cloths! Especially at great prices. Goodwill and other thrift stores make it hard. Oh yeah, I forgot about Wasabi, an anime convention I went to so that's probably part of it. But still... I could do for some saving up (and a little more self control >_>). 

But anyway! This is about my little darling. Lacy is very sweet, loves people, playful, doesn't mind callers or harnesses, seems pretty trainable, is very soft and will cuddle with you all day! (If she can find the time).

She's just an all around great cat! Peppy and Peanut aren't to happy about it, but they'll get used to her! She's going to be with me for the next 15 years and hopefully more! I'll probably be past my first apartment and into my first home by then hopefully, and I'll have my little black and white kitty baby with me the whole time! 

My other future pets include: 

A white Standard Poodle

If I ever have a dog, it has to be hypoallergenic or else my wind pipe will close up every day! ^_^ Well, Poodles just so happen to be hypoallergenic and  I think they're adorable! (If you don't clip them all ugly). However, Matthew thinks they're ugly (weirdo) and so he says he'll settle for a Labradoodle. But, they're just not as cute as Poodles. We do agree though, that we want a female dog because seeing a penis hanging down just takes away from their beauty, lolz. 

A Ball Python

I LOVE snakes. And I found out that besides running up the bills with their heat lamps, they're pretty inexpensive to have. The adults only eat like once a month. I've always been crazy about reptiles. I even want to be a Paleontologist! Not that that's ever going to happen. But still, I can have modern day reptiles! And these Pythons don't even get very big, only about 5 feet :) 

Guinea Pigs

These aren't something I care about really having. Actually, they'll be more Matthew's pets than mine. I won't be feeding or cleaning the cage like I will be with my snakie. And I won't be happy if they smell up the studio apartment we're hoping to have within a year or close to that time frame. These are not something I would ever want for myself. But they sure are cute little things!!

Then there are animals I would like to have just so I don't have to support the horrors of the meat industry.

Mini cows

All the deliciousness without the size!

Chickens

Sorry guys, no escaping the pot pies with me!

Piggies

Although I would like to have every animal in this picture, I'll take the piggies for the beacon and the reasonableness, lolz.

I think living on a small private farm would be cool, but I HATED feeding the horses in the winter, and with the children I assume I'll have by then I'm afraid I won't have a moment to myself. Husband would have to work a lot to support all of us, though we could sell meat and vegetables. Yeah, we can live near a farmers market and I'll grow and sell stuff the other farmers don't have! 

This is the type of life I figured I'd hate having, and maybe I would. Maybe I'm more into the idea of having a small farm than actually having one, but you never know. I figured I would HATE having a job especially an entry level one at Walmart of all places, but I really like it. It's not that I look forward to standing there for hours and hours or pushing carts in the rain, but I don't know... I'm just happier now than I was before. I know happiness isn't entirely about circumstances, but I think it's something more than that...

So, if I put husband in charge of a lot of the house chores, I won't mind doing most of the outside chores.

Well, this is mostly the horrors of the meat industry I don't like making me want to do this... so if I lived near a farmers market, where people sold the meat from their own cows, that would take care of everything! My desire for all of these animals just went down now that I know I can get non meat industry stuff without doing the grunt work myself. Though I might still want the chickens just because they're so much fun to try and catch!! lolz. 

Another possible life is one as a Paleontologist. More to come soon...

I hate my hair, I can't do anything with it.

$55 for a perm and 4 days later it's already going back to normal! I was told that in about 2 weeks the curls would loosen up but it's already just waves. Sigh... at least I know now. My hair is thin, fine, and super straight. I have a huge cowlick right in at the beginning on the part on my giant forehead, so I can't have bangs to cover up that giant forehead. And also limits what I can do with it. Most all hair things are either to big or to small, I don't have enough to pull off short hair as it will just lay flat against my head and look worse than when it's long. I can't blow dry to give it some volume with MAJOR frizz. I have some stuff to help that now and I haven't tried it yet, but something tells me it won't help much. No bangs, no curls, no volume.. talk about boring ugly hair. I suppose I could put it in a million braids every night and spray it like hair spray is going out of style, but that would take my entire evening, and now that I have a job evenings and days off are all I have to look forward to any more. I know that's bad and you're suppose to take pride in the work you do or something, but it's a part time job at Walmart there's barely any pride in being a manager there. It's Walmart, it's not a great wonderful thing that makes life easier it's a big monstrous super store that closes down small businesses and gives jobs that no one can be proud of. Then again, working at any large chain of  grocery store no matter how high your position is not something I would be proud of. But Walmart? Somehow that's the worst one. Anyway, my hair doesn't do what I tell it and is determined to look flat and horrible so I guess I'll just have to look flat and horrible. I'M WEARING A FUCKING PUSH UP BRA RIGHT NOW. I didn't get beauty, bronzes or brains so what's left? Doesn't everybody have at least one of those things? Apparently not.

How I feel about dogs, the surprise within my heart.

Cats rule and dogs drool, that's just the way it is. No, seriously. Cat's tend to rule the house hold and dogs drool a lot! But for me it's just as true with the figurative term. I've always been a cat person. I grew up with cats, I know cats, I can understand and speak with cats and they for the most part can understand and speak to me (I wish I were a neko!). I know generally what they like, how they act, everything. Cats are second nature. So you can see how their exact opposite would turn me off a bit. Especially being *potentially* deathly allergic.

Dogs have the upper hand on brains, which can be useful if you need an animal slave. But seriously, they jump on you with their claws, drool, lick you after eating their own crap, they can knock people down, kill people, cause serious injuries, are very time consuming, can be destructive, and 10 times more work than most pets (seriously my 2 horses are easier to take care of than a dog) and did I mention how expensive they are? If you don't want your dog to be all those things, you pretty much have to pay for professional classes unless you really know what you're doing and have a lot of patience. Their complete and utter dependency turns me off.

While cats may claw and bite (usually they do it because you're causing them discomfort or it was an accident), they are SO much easier than dogs. Less expensive, just as loving, they can be just as social (depends on how you raise them), way cuter especially as kittens, they're not all in your face all the time and don't have a panic attack every time they're left alone and you won't come home to the living room covered in feathers. They're also way more fun to play with. Dogs, you stand there and throw a slimy toy over, and over, and over, and over, and over. It's like playing with a little baby! So repetitive.. snoooz fest. But with cats, oh man! I laugh so hard every time I play with them. You just take a string or a bouncy ball and they do all kinds of hilarious things and it's so fun to watch them try to catch it! Then they ATTACK. Oh it's so much fun.

Cat's aren't as intelligent as dogs. So? Why is that a negative thing? I mean, assuming we don't need an animal slave and it's just a pet, that can be a good thing. Because it's SO FUNNY XD. They do the most random things. A lot of cats when they're young go through a phase where they run head first into walls. I know that sounds horrible but you can't help but laugh since they somehow escape serious injury. So, there is a window in my basement that is right on top of the ground. The cats love it. Well, there is a shelf under it that goes across that whole wall that the cats can't jump on form the floor. We had an exercise bike a few feet away from the window next tot he shelf. Well, my other 2 cats would jump on the bike, then the shelf and walk over to the window. But my Peanut did not know that there was any other way to get to the window then to go DIRECTLY to it. The bike was indirect. So even though the other cats were doing it, I would put him on the bike, he'd look at the window jump down, and go back under it on the floor and ask me to pick him up. I placed him on the bike again and patted the shelf signalling for him to jump on it. I wish you could all have seen the look on his face! He was thinking, SO HARD about what I was trying to tell him!!!! XD He finally figured it out and knew how to do it from then on. But man, it was adorable and hilarious. Most cats aren't like that but Peanut for some reason is a little bit um... not on the bright side XD. He's adorable.

So to me smarts isn't really much of an argument. Dogs can protect you but so can a lion. Those are cats. And if you're going to love an animal, why only pay attention to one branch? Tigers, panthers, cheetahs, leopards, they're all counted along with wolves. Yep, the only cool wild dog creature. You have fox, and... yeah, cats = win.

But, I don't dislike dogs, just ones that aren't well trained, and typically people don't bother to train their dogs beyond going outside and sitting. Do you see that most dogs being walked are leash trained? Practically dragging their owners while chocking themselves. Going every which way, barking and trying to get to other dogs, jumping on passer bys. That doesn't say 'trained' to me.

Anyway, I am in no way a dog hater and for the first time having doesn't seem like such a night mare. They have hypoallergenic ones, and these are my favorites out of the list:

Native American Indian Dog
The Standard Poodle
Portuguese Water Dog
Samoyed (first choice)

Now, I liked a few others besides these but I want a dog that will be in no way a danger to cats which is my first priority pet. I also know I don't want a terrior. I want something I can hug and will at least act as a visual deterrent to criminals. I want to train the living guts out of it, stick a vest on and say I have a service dog. No one will ever know the difference. And I won't be lying, I won't ever have to go anywhere alone again. No more crying, panicking, or anxiety. That was one of the fears I had about moving out. What if I had no one to live with? I certainly wouldn't want to be alone, at least not right away (don't say it's my age my 40 year old cousin is the same way). With a big dog, I wouldn't be. The only problem is...  like I said before, they can be expensive! So, I suppose I should choose a breed, research the crap out of it and see get a monthly price estimation. If I'm going to take care of a dog, I'm going to do it right. No skipping out on vet visits.

This honestly took me by surprise. I never would have guessed I would even think about ever wanting a dog. Seriously, I didn't even imagine myself ever wanting one in my head. But having someone who goes everywhere with you or could possibly stay at home (hopefully)... that would be great. Maybe I'm more liking the idea of a dog then anything. I DID live with 2 dogs for a week when I baby sat a neighbors house. I didn't mind it, though I wasn't very dog ownerly to them. Not playing with them much and leaving them alone a lot. But that's the other thing that I find attractive about all of this... and I think it's something a lot of people do. They can get you off the couch.  If they're perfectly calm and such like Tommy and Sadie (I love them, but I'm highly allergic! They're border collie mixes) then it can be very tempting to just neglect their doggy needs. However, I think a puppy will not allow me to do such a thing. Also I don't want to continue to be what I am. Like Lt. Commander Data, I want to strive to be more than I am. 

So, it might be a few years away especially since I probably can't get one until I can manage house and kitty cat expenses, but it's fun to dream. I wish I could foster one for a while just to see if this is really something I'd be willing to commit to for 15 years or more. I know I'll always have cats, no questions there. I know I would love a snake. Like, maybe a small python. But a dog... it's iffy.

(the first picture is of a samoyed, the second a native american indian dog, my first 2 choices based on temperament combined highly with beauty)

I would like to elaborate.

My last post talked about crying, hitting, and screaming being childish behavior. That I had found a better way to deal with my emotions. Well, I'm not saying that if you ever do those things you're being childish. If you're watching a movie or someone dies and you're moved to tears, then that's different. Emotions often manifest themselves physically like that. All I meant was, I don't use those things to lessen the pain. I've tried having a "good cry" several times and I feel worse after it's over because not only do I feel the same emotionally, I now have itch eyes, a head ache and dehydration. Also it make my shoulder blades and the backs of my arms all tingly and it's weird. I'll tear up during the mystery play and cuss in anger when I stub my toe, but those things aren't going to change my emotional state. Actually, I heard that using physical violence to "get your anger out" can lead to anger issues and being violent as a habit.

So, to sum it up.. displaying my emotions won't make them change and can lead to being just childish unless something significant triggers the emotional response but it still won't make me feel any different and can be potentially harmful.

I won't sleep

No matter how much I want to, no matter how much I need to, I will not sleep. I could be extremely tired, my brain coursing with endorphins. My anxiety issues that I'm fairly sure I have are taking over me. Like something high jacked my emotional state and made it impossible to relax. It only happens when I have to get up the next day. I know it'll be perfectly fine if I get sleep, there really isn't anything to worry about. I defeated my fear of the dark through logic, like a Vulcan. But it isn't working this time. Writing may be one of my last hopes.. (besides meditation, which I'm not very good at yet). If I just write down my fear, it'll go away. Because it relives me of the responsibility to think about it. I do not have to remember or think about anything because if I forget or whatever it's right here. I no longer carry the burden of thinking. I leave my thoughts here for the night and pick them up at a later time if necessary. Weather I need them again or not the future will determine. But as for right now, the burden is lifted from me to my blog. Crying out my troubles works for some but not for me. I never feel better after word because all I've accomplished is an obnoxious display of emotion, thirst, itchy eyes and a head ache. My emotional state remains the same. Hitting things doesn't do anything either. All I've managed to accomplish are sore hands and damaged objects. Violence doesn't solve anything. Screaming into a pillow won't work either. All I'm doing is acting like an angry child. Fancy baths don't help either! All I'm doing is sitting in dirty water wishing it was more comfortable. The candles, soft music, and salts are nice but ultimately it does not release from me the responsibility of  worry. If I forget, it could cause problems. If I don't think something through, I might not know how to handle things when they come. If I don't sleep, the next day will be miserable. Only through writing do I feel the weight of worry lift from my shoulders. I know once I get better at meditation, that will probably work 10 fold. And if I combine it with my writing, I'll be the happiest women on earth (and not just because I snatched up Matt before any other girls could get their hands on him. Sorry ladies!). I know I'll still have anxiety, sadness, anger, utter frustration. But now I have found a way to deal with it.

What do crying, hitting, screaming, and bubble baths all have in common? Childishness. (Though it's not childish to treat yourself to a fancy bath once in a while :) Reverting back to a less mature state will not accomplish anything other than making me look foolish. Instead of I'm feeling the pressure I will sit quietly in meditation like the Buddhists, I will read the Bible and learn about what Jesus and all the others teach us, I will   sit at my computer and release the responsibility of worry and remembering into permanent words that will not  be fickle and illusive like thoughts tend to be. I don't have to remember everything I'm worried about, because if I want to know I can just come here.