The Ideal Life (part 2)

I think this is going to become a series. Because my idea of 'the ideal life' changes as time goes on. Last time I for reasons I cannot fathom thought it would be cool to have a vegetable stand, or something. Now a days, my vision is a bit different.

So I am close to finishing job corps and soon I will be thinking about moving out. Problem is, I do not want to even consider living in the cheapie apartments most people usually live in when they first move out, because they are located in the city, and in the ghettos. I don't even like passing through areas like that, I could never live there. This is why I want to live in the Broadstone Southlands Apartments. However, the cost of a one bedroom is as much as Megan's house rent, which 4 or 5 people contribute to paying.

As you can see, it may take a few years to be able to afford a place like that on my own. I really really think I would enjoy living there, then again, who wouldn't? Look at that place! but I wanted to live there even after I realized it was more than just apartments (I didn't know about the swimming pool).

I think Lacy and I would be very happy there. And one of the best parts? I wouldn't need a car! Ever! Seriously, Southalnds Mall is right across the street. All the jobs and shopping I could ever need is within walking distance. Plus mom and daddy drive by there on their way to church, so they could pick me up every Sunday. However, they are planning on moving to Heather Gardens soon, but that's what carpooling is for.

Going back to the jobs thing... I wouldn't even need those jobs across the street, because I would be working from home! That's right. I was thinking maybe online english teacher or something like that. Data entry person? I don't know, I don't care as long as I can stay in my pajamas. Then I wouldn't ever have to leave home or deal with people, it would be heaven on Earth!

That's it. No dogs, no gardens, no car. Of course I would get a car as soon as I could afford one. It would be one of those electric ones.

After being able to afford it, this would be my car. I'll save $300 a month from using electric instead of gas (according to the showman at the mall, lolz)

 

(gm volt)

That's pretty much it. Electric car, work from home, luxury apartment, no kids, roommates or husbands... just me, Lacy and the Good Lord livin the good life.

Reaction: Reading My Old Posts

I am mortified.

I truly have treated it like a diary I no one will ever see. the problem with that is this place is public. I suppose I could turn it private, but there is something satisfying about just putting everything out there, you know? I know no one reads this... but I actually have had random people find this place and it feels better knowing that someone could read this. Wow, maybe I'm just very lonely. Most of my old friends are falling by the way side (probably to be expected at this stage in life) and I am finding that I even have trouble making friends in second life of all places. If I'm having trouble making friends online, there is wrong.

Anyway, I am off track.

I decided to check out some of my old posts and I am mortified by what I have found. Maybe I don't want to know my stages of change... it's embarrassing... I'm sure I'll find something embarrassing a year from this post now too. I used to worry about such stupid things. I read something about deep physiological problems preventing me from accomplishing anything... don't remember what that's all about, I thought I was just lazy. I've actually had to delete a few posts in case someone does actually come here!

I feel like I used to worry about such stupid things as I mentioned... I feel now like I have real problems and before I simply couldn't appreciate what I had. There is little doubt that another future me will look back on that future me and think the same thing, and so on. I'm pretty sure there is no end to it. People are always changing, I am no exception. So my ideas of right and wrong, important and unimportant, will never be the same.

I'm turning into a fine, young jaded adult

I pretty much have moved on from everything. It happened almost instantly. One moment I was horribly depressed like I had been for the last month and then it all hit me... I realized that I simply don't give that much of a fuck. I don't give a fuck that I was a bitch (though I have learned that that is still not a good way to go about things, not just from this situation but several combined, and I will work to correct it in the future), I don't give a fuck that I am in the same position I was before, which isn't a bad one. Besides, a penis doesn't make you a man when you believe the same things little girls do. And I am not a lesbian.

The future probably holds a bunch more crap to help me further conclude that I don't give a fuck.

This is the night... (part 2)

This is the night after the picnic.

It went great! I got to see Brian. Chris and I went to the Aurora Mall and the Aurora Library. We didn't spend too long in either of those places... I was worn out since all I do is sit around. But I enjoyed it! The nightmarish vision of the drive was nothing like the reality. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. In fact I've been on roads like that many times, I don't really know what I thought it was going to be, and maybe that's the part that scared me.

That's about all that happened.

This is the night

This is the night before the picnic.

I am going up to Thornton tomorrow and Broomfield to visit a friend. I am also hopefully going to see my brother while I'm there. I've spent this night preparing a picnic of strawberry cream cheese sandwiches (strawberry slices with a mixture of cream cheese, honey, and orange zest on whole wheat bread), roast beef wraps (bean sprouts with homemade organic Italian dressing and carrots wrapped in a slice of roast beef) with cucumbers on the side and snickerdoodles for desert. I am also bringing lemonade, it might take 2 coolers!

Even with all of this going on it is hard to keep the depression at bay. But I don't want to talk about it right now. I just want to have a good time tomorrow.

My friend says he's not going to eat, I hope he does or I will be sad and slightly offended. He is having a bad night because the guys brought home girls and yeah... anyway, I really hope I can cheer him up tomorrow. I am getting him out of the house and treating him to a nice picnic, he better feel a little bit better!

Anyway, that is all that's happening tonight. I am really excited for tomorrow but a little bit scared of the drive. Oh well, I will live.

Good night!

Dear Jesus,

I think the only way all of this reading will be me any good is if You keep me aware. I have been reading the teachings of the Buddhist religion because they are extremely similar to the Bible and have some different methodologies that I think will benefit me. Anyway, I have been reading things like this for years now. Raptitude, Cracked, Mathew Kelly, along with other random things... however with all my time invested I can't tell that it's done me any good.

I think I can see now that the one component I was missing was You... even when the texts were catholic based. I forgot that all things are done through You, and so I am here now asking you to please help a stray sheep. I actually don't like the sheep thing, I'm going to go with zebra. All alone out there in the African wilds... no heard to blend in with. It knows how to survive, but it is still pray to every lion and predator who sees it. I have knowledge, at least I know I have some, yet it has not helped me.

This is why I see now how much I need You. I need You to keep me mindful of everything I do, of their consequences. However, there have been times where You did, and I blatantly ignored it. I knew Jesus I KNEW and yet I did it anyway. And the reason for that is a weak relationship with You... the more I try to just improve my life with all of this studying, the more things aren't going to change. You are the only way in which change can be brought about. That is why I am asking you to intervene, why I'm inviting You into my life. I will always be an angry lusty creature. Gluttonous and greedy. I am the seven deadly sins all rolled into one. That will never change, unless You change it.

I can't do it. No matter how much knowledge I acquire, it's just not happening, not without You. Through You all things are possible, as unbelievable as it is, even me over coming these things. I'm not sure if I want to achieve what the Buddhists call "nirvana", they don't get upset about things but they don't take joy in things either... kinda weird.

I, now, simply want to do whatever You tell me. I will not make another move unless You give me the green light. I trusted You about Country Jam, and You were right. But I digress...

Jesus, I have so much hatred and anger. I don't know how to get rid of it. I feel trapped by it. It's caused people to become angry and hateful toward me. I don't want to be like that. Help clear my head of the thoughts that harbor hatred... or whatever it is that needs to be done... I don't want to be a hateful person. I don't want to be a person who angrily demands anything from others. And I don't want to be arrogant and try to preach these things I am reading to those who do not want to listen. For all I know, I am dead wrong. If the writer is wrong, then I will be.

Help me to not jump on people arrogantly. Help me to stay humble.

I know You will answer these prayers and more. I have not a doubt in my head, and if I do, I know you will eradicate it along with everything else. I love You. Amen.

Wow.

This is been FOR FUCKING EVER. But I am proud of myself for not giving up on a blog! I have started several and I'm so happy that I was able to come back to this one. There will probably be gaps. Especially while I'm still at job corps. I can't blog there =( Oh well. I'm not going to make this a long one. I am just happy that I am back and willing to blog agian =) I left in Oct so it's not like I was sitting around ignoring it for too long >.>